Ok, I've been struggling with finding the right words for this post for quite some time. I've never been one to give much consideration to other peoples' feelings when it comes to my life choices, but considering everything that's happened in the last year or so, I think it's about time for me to clear up a few things.
Over recent months you've probably seen me making religious references, posts and the like (if you're friends with me on Facebook). If you've known me for any real amount of time, this would seem pretty out of color to you. If I remember right, I was asked if my profile had been hacked. No, dear friends, fret not, my profile is still in MY possession. So why all these posts then? "What happened?" you're probably asking yourself. Allow me to clarify.
When I was a kid, I wasn't ever really exposed to any sort of religion. Not enough to be able to formulate any kind of mature opinion about it anyway. So when I was a teenager and started coming up with my own thoughts and speculations, I started being more aware of the spiritual side of life, and the people that came with it. From the get-go, what I was faced with wasn't very pretty. The Christians I had met were a pretty judgmental lot, and from that point on I received a few different responses from them when talking to them. The conversation would swing to religion, as is commonplace for Christians, and when I would share that I really didn't KNOW if God existed, I was immediately met with a couple standard responses: "You're a sinner, and that's bad, you need to repent and change." Which I took as, "You're not good enough for God the way you are, and you're not good enough to be around us, so change or go away". Another response, "You're a sinner, you're going to hell, it's too late for you." that one pretty much speaks for itself.
So you can see how I would develop a pretty stained view of religion. These people are given so many rules and regulations (of which I didn't really know anything about), and THESE are those rules? To judge me? Hate me? Even FEAR me? Huh... well, no use looking into THAT, they don't want me, I don't want them. That was my standpoint from then on. EVERY Christian I had encountered was like that. EVERY Christian I saw in the media appeared that way, using the Bible as a weapon and faith as a shield. And I wondered, if God was so good and grand and loving and compassionate like everyone is trying to tell me, how is it that THESE are his representatives?
The turning point? One family. One group of people who lived by their beliefs. A guy came to work at my place of employment. Regular Joe, friendly, but quiet, ruggedly handsome (haha, Yes Paul I gave you a gratuitous compliment to make you feel good!). Nothing out of the ordinary. After he'd worked there a while and hadn't seemed to really grab onto anybody in the office I thought, "Huh, I oughta hang out with this guy a little and see what he's about." What would I have to lose? It all works out, I get a free friend out of it. So upon talking with him he shares that he's a Christian. "here it comes..." I say to myself. But no, nothing pushy, preachy, angry, hateful or judgmental... just pleasant conversation. Even when I say that religion really isn't my thing, nothing. Mind = blown.
So I continue to spend time with Paul, which expands into hanging out with him and his family (which is quite large)... every single one of them, the same thing. Not a single judgmental comment or insinuation. Over the course of time, we became pretty much assimilated into that family. My wife and I and our daughter were just another set of kids to them. The puzzler here? We were made a part of this family JUST AS WE WERE! So my wife and I have the discussion about it. We had finally met a group of Christians who hadn't jumped into our path to try and save our souls, or simply tell us that we're lost. Maybe God is out there? Maybe THIS, love, is what it's about?
That moment, when our minds were open just a sliver was the pivotal moment in this entire journey. We were invited to spend Christmas Eve with their whole family. A huge endeavor and a grand sight to behold. A mountain of presents, not a frowny face on a single child, it's awesome. But there was one moment, one gift that changed our entire outlook, and threw open the doors of my mind (which I might add are very elegant french doors with beautiful gold trim and... oh ummm, ok back on track), allowing the entire message to hit me full force. I unwrap a present that's from the entire family, to MY family. Inside the paper was something I never expected. A Bible. A family Bible. Now, formerly, I probably would've taken that the same way a woman takes getting a vacuum cleaner from her husband for Christmas: "Time to clean up!". But it only served to open my mind even more when I read the letter that accompanied it. It's a very personal heartfelt letter, so I won't share all of it, but I will give you the cliff notes. In short, it was a huge part of their lives, and we've become so special to them that they wanted to share that, even if we didn't read it.
Now my wife and I have a big discussion about it. All our lives we'd been shunned and judged by people of faith, supposedly in the name of God. But now, we've been shown firsthand what He truly wants and commands. We had been denied the knowledge by ourselves and it was time to allow ourselves to find it. We started reading on our own, asking questions now that we had people willing to answer them, and we started going to Hilltop Community Church, where we have been welcomed openly and lovingly by everyone. We've learned so much in such a short time just by being ALLOWED to. It's changed our perspective on life and people. It worked for us, and it IS working for us. THESE are the ideals I want my daughter to grow up with. The things I want her to learn and practice. Values that I had ignored out of anger and ignorance that are so important.
I hope that those of you not religiously inclined aren't offended or insulted by this post. I just felt that some of you might be confused by my recent behavior, and this would be the prime opportunity to jump ship if you don't feel like it's something you can tolerate. If you can't, I respect your point of view, because I'm sure I shared it at some point in my life.
What I hope you will take away from this post is that if you've encountered the people from the first half of my post, don't make the mistake I made and consider that the norm. Look for yourself, don't let them be the ones to give you the answers. The example they're living by is false, and is not the example God had in mind when he sent Jesus to us. I hope everyone can get something from this post, and be able to give faith, and ANYTHING a second look before walking away. If any of you have questions, or just feel like venting at me, feel free.
I'd like to say a special thank you to the Schnorbus Family (Frank Sr., Robin, Paul, Steph, Sharon, Frankie, Penny, Sam, Ken and Kristen) for all their love, acceptance and guidance.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Perception... or reality?
Well, it's been a little while since I posted, so I figured it was about time. Life has been crazy, busy, hectic and yet amazingly fulfilling and rewarding. Ultimately, I haven't had the time nor energy to devote to coming up with a topic and then spewing it out onto this page. But over the last couple weeks, my wife and I have been faced with a situation that has presented itself multiple times, in a couple different manifestations, and it's been weighing heavily on us, as we aren't terribly sure how to approach it.
As parents, we tend to be pretty blind when it comes to how to raise children. We obviously have some very different beliefs from everyone else. In other words, every parent has a different idea of how to raise their child. That can cause us to view another family's idea of parenting in a negative way, depending on the situation. So, at what point are we being too self righteous? When do we cross over into the "holier-than-thou" category? And on the flip side, when are those feelings justified?
Here's the breakdown of the situations. We know a couple families that we've been inclined to be concerned for. Both will insist that they are awesome parents, and that they're doing their best, and that they're doing everything in the best interest of their kids. To summarize, we have a hard time believing it, based on things that have taken place. Without going into too much detail, it doesn't seem like they're making all the necessary precautions for their child's safety and wellbeing. A child shouldn't be exposed to drugs or paraphernalia, it should not be accessible to them, and drugs should not be USED while they can be exposed to the effects. By inviting people with continuous, extensive criminal behavior into your house, you're putting your child at risk. Personally... I'm not willing to take that risk.
In addition to just plain and simple DANGER being a part of a child's life, how are they being interacted with at home? In both cases, these parents are also claiming to be attentive, loving parents. Again, we have a hard time seeing it, based on the way the children interact with others, and on some occasions, the behavior at home has been observed. The child will want to ask a question, and is shushed and shooed way. Or, the child is just not SPOKEN to at home. And by that I mean, the parents don't sit down and just talk to them or have conversation with them, or play with them. The conversation goes as far as "Daddy, I have to go potty", "Ok, go ahead and go"... and that's it. Or, "Here, play with this" and then it's on to whatever they were doing before they were "interrupted" by the kids.
As you may be able to tell, I'm a little perturbed about both of these situations. We're left with a few options, none of which are favorable at all: 1.) Do nothing, let the child grow up in that situation and suffer for it later, 2.) Approach the parents and end the friendship entirely, as the parents don't see themselves doing anything wrong, 3.) Approach the authorities and let them handle it. Not a very promising list of outcomes when you fast forward through any of the options... I've prayed about this for a while over the last few weeks, since it really started bothering me, and I just haven't been given the answer yet. Which is why that's the point of this post. This isn't a post designed to give you advice, it's more of a request for advice... When faced with only these options, none of which will have a happy or constructive outcome for EVERYONE, what do you do?
And furthermore, are we bad people for feeling like THEY aren't doing their best as parents? Are they bad parents, or are we just overstepping our moral bounds?
Input is very much welcome on this one guys, we want to know what you think. Give us a hand.
As parents, we tend to be pretty blind when it comes to how to raise children. We obviously have some very different beliefs from everyone else. In other words, every parent has a different idea of how to raise their child. That can cause us to view another family's idea of parenting in a negative way, depending on the situation. So, at what point are we being too self righteous? When do we cross over into the "holier-than-thou" category? And on the flip side, when are those feelings justified?
Here's the breakdown of the situations. We know a couple families that we've been inclined to be concerned for. Both will insist that they are awesome parents, and that they're doing their best, and that they're doing everything in the best interest of their kids. To summarize, we have a hard time believing it, based on things that have taken place. Without going into too much detail, it doesn't seem like they're making all the necessary precautions for their child's safety and wellbeing. A child shouldn't be exposed to drugs or paraphernalia, it should not be accessible to them, and drugs should not be USED while they can be exposed to the effects. By inviting people with continuous, extensive criminal behavior into your house, you're putting your child at risk. Personally... I'm not willing to take that risk.
In addition to just plain and simple DANGER being a part of a child's life, how are they being interacted with at home? In both cases, these parents are also claiming to be attentive, loving parents. Again, we have a hard time seeing it, based on the way the children interact with others, and on some occasions, the behavior at home has been observed. The child will want to ask a question, and is shushed and shooed way. Or, the child is just not SPOKEN to at home. And by that I mean, the parents don't sit down and just talk to them or have conversation with them, or play with them. The conversation goes as far as "Daddy, I have to go potty", "Ok, go ahead and go"... and that's it. Or, "Here, play with this" and then it's on to whatever they were doing before they were "interrupted" by the kids.
As you may be able to tell, I'm a little perturbed about both of these situations. We're left with a few options, none of which are favorable at all: 1.) Do nothing, let the child grow up in that situation and suffer for it later, 2.) Approach the parents and end the friendship entirely, as the parents don't see themselves doing anything wrong, 3.) Approach the authorities and let them handle it. Not a very promising list of outcomes when you fast forward through any of the options... I've prayed about this for a while over the last few weeks, since it really started bothering me, and I just haven't been given the answer yet. Which is why that's the point of this post. This isn't a post designed to give you advice, it's more of a request for advice... When faced with only these options, none of which will have a happy or constructive outcome for EVERYONE, what do you do?
And furthermore, are we bad people for feeling like THEY aren't doing their best as parents? Are they bad parents, or are we just overstepping our moral bounds?
Input is very much welcome on this one guys, we want to know what you think. Give us a hand.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Read The Ingredients
Well, it's been a while since I posted, so I figured it was about time for another one. Reading the title, you would probably guess this is going to be a post about what I feed my kid, or what things she's not allowed to eat... and you'd be wrong. This discussion is deeper than that. It's about faith and beliefs. I'd like to examine the ingredients in the "mental meals" we prepare for our children. Are they healthy? Will they make your little boy or girl grow up big and strong? Here's hoping.
A very close friend of ours once told us a very enlightening story about taking her daughter to church. She was asked at one point WHY she was taking her daughter to church, as if she were forcing her daughter to do something she didn't want to do. Now, this was when her daughter was very young, probably close to my daughter's age. So she answered that her daughter was going to develop values and ideals and morals, the only question was where they'd be coming from. Her friends? TV? Her idea was that as her mother, she had her best interests in mind and therefore, HER beliefs and ideals would be the first ones into her daughter's brain, not anyone else's. This is paraphrased because I can't remember her exact words. What a brilliant theory.
My wife and I have come a long way in a short time as far as faith is concerned. That's another story. The point here is that we believe in God, and we believe Jesus died for our sins. We believe in what the Bible teaches, and what Christianity stands for and teaches. Therefore, that's what WE choose to teach our daughter. She's our child, our legacy, our crowning achievement, and we want her to have something solid to turn to when she's faced with a moral challenge. She goes to church with us on Sundays, and participates in Sunday school, and participates in a church club as well. The values they represent match our own hopes for her. Are we forcing our will upon her? I've asked myself the question a thousand times. The conclusion I always come to is NO. She's 3 years old, and we have to look at what she's learning from us and from the places WE get our knowledge. The Bible, the church, and God himself. The teachings: Love, peace, faith, forgiveness, fellowship, devotion and a long list of other things. If that's what she's getting from it, does that make us bad parents for teaching those things, and letting her take part in programs and activities that support those things? I think not.
Children learn more from their parents than they do from anywhere else. So the real question then, is what do you want to be feeding your child's brain and heart? What ingredients are going into the "meals" you make everyday? Can your child forgive a person for a mistake? Can they love a person even though they've made those mistakes? Above all else, whatever you want your children to know, make damn sure of one thing: THAT IT COMES FROM YOU. We as parents have been handed a huge responsibility. We are in charge of shaping a human being. We're given the opportunity to look at ourselves, see what we like most, and what we dislike most, pick out the good parts, throw them in a bowl, mix them up and bake them into a human being. We all have qualities we don't like about ourselves. When we have children, we have an opportunity to leave those out of the recipe. It's an opportunity, or even an excuse, to correct those things about yourself, so they don't become baked into your child. That being said, I can't repeat enough, make sure that what you're giving your child is from you.
I want my little girl to know that when somebody needs help, you should give it to them if you can. I want her to know how to forgive people for their mistakes or faults. I want her to genuinely care for everyone in the world, simply because she wants it to be a better world. All the things I had scoffed at for longer than I'd care to admit, are the things I pray my daughter gets above all else... Call our beliefs naive, archaic, unrealistic... whatever you'd like to call them, but they're still our beliefs, and we feel that they're helping to shape her into a better adult, a better human being. We're confident of that.
Are you that confident?
Ask yourself. And then answer yourself. It doesn't matter what those beliefs are. As long as you can say without a doubt that your beliefs are making your child a better human being, that's what counts. Are you forcing anything on your child? I will tell you without a blink that you're not. I would say you're RAISING THEM. Bravo Mom and Dad... Bravo.
Until next time.
*FOR ANYONE OFFENDED BY RELIGIOUS DISCUSSIONS, STOP READING HERE*
A very close friend of ours once told us a very enlightening story about taking her daughter to church. She was asked at one point WHY she was taking her daughter to church, as if she were forcing her daughter to do something she didn't want to do. Now, this was when her daughter was very young, probably close to my daughter's age. So she answered that her daughter was going to develop values and ideals and morals, the only question was where they'd be coming from. Her friends? TV? Her idea was that as her mother, she had her best interests in mind and therefore, HER beliefs and ideals would be the first ones into her daughter's brain, not anyone else's. This is paraphrased because I can't remember her exact words. What a brilliant theory.
My wife and I have come a long way in a short time as far as faith is concerned. That's another story. The point here is that we believe in God, and we believe Jesus died for our sins. We believe in what the Bible teaches, and what Christianity stands for and teaches. Therefore, that's what WE choose to teach our daughter. She's our child, our legacy, our crowning achievement, and we want her to have something solid to turn to when she's faced with a moral challenge. She goes to church with us on Sundays, and participates in Sunday school, and participates in a church club as well. The values they represent match our own hopes for her. Are we forcing our will upon her? I've asked myself the question a thousand times. The conclusion I always come to is NO. She's 3 years old, and we have to look at what she's learning from us and from the places WE get our knowledge. The Bible, the church, and God himself. The teachings: Love, peace, faith, forgiveness, fellowship, devotion and a long list of other things. If that's what she's getting from it, does that make us bad parents for teaching those things, and letting her take part in programs and activities that support those things? I think not.
Children learn more from their parents than they do from anywhere else. So the real question then, is what do you want to be feeding your child's brain and heart? What ingredients are going into the "meals" you make everyday? Can your child forgive a person for a mistake? Can they love a person even though they've made those mistakes? Above all else, whatever you want your children to know, make damn sure of one thing: THAT IT COMES FROM YOU. We as parents have been handed a huge responsibility. We are in charge of shaping a human being. We're given the opportunity to look at ourselves, see what we like most, and what we dislike most, pick out the good parts, throw them in a bowl, mix them up and bake them into a human being. We all have qualities we don't like about ourselves. When we have children, we have an opportunity to leave those out of the recipe. It's an opportunity, or even an excuse, to correct those things about yourself, so they don't become baked into your child. That being said, I can't repeat enough, make sure that what you're giving your child is from you.
I want my little girl to know that when somebody needs help, you should give it to them if you can. I want her to know how to forgive people for their mistakes or faults. I want her to genuinely care for everyone in the world, simply because she wants it to be a better world. All the things I had scoffed at for longer than I'd care to admit, are the things I pray my daughter gets above all else... Call our beliefs naive, archaic, unrealistic... whatever you'd like to call them, but they're still our beliefs, and we feel that they're helping to shape her into a better adult, a better human being. We're confident of that.
Are you that confident?
Ask yourself. And then answer yourself. It doesn't matter what those beliefs are. As long as you can say without a doubt that your beliefs are making your child a better human being, that's what counts. Are you forcing anything on your child? I will tell you without a blink that you're not. I would say you're RAISING THEM. Bravo Mom and Dad... Bravo.
Until next time.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Funny Quotes From Our Toddler
This post is going to be a fun one. I have always loved that show, "Kids Say the Darndest Things", and I've been trying to compile a good list of things my daughter, and other kids, have said to me, or around me or my wife. Just for laughs. This is a pretty funny list, I think you'll enjoy it. So sit back on this nice relaxing Friday, and enjoy some hilarious quotes from the kids, and even a couple where we the parents get owned by our kids' own simplistic thought patterns.
So I'll be seeing you next time, I hope you enjoy this post, and have a wonderful weekend!
- Over the last year or so, my daughter has started to develop a better sense of modesty. She wants her privacy while using the restroom. Well, since the potty seat was digested by the dog, she just sits on the actual seat, and holds herself up. Therefore, I or my wife will hang by with her to make sure she doesn't take a dip unexpectedly. So while this is all going on, she says to me, "Daddy, don't look!! Turn around!" So I playfully gawk while she's sitting there, and she then spits this out: "DADDY!! Don't look!! If you look, the pee is gonna come outta my butt and go on your head!!" Now... maybe some of you have experience with this particular logic, but I for one was utterly flabbergasted... how do you come back from that? There is no good comeback. "Ok baby... sounds legit to me..." *Daddy turns around, scratching head*
- Recently, I decided to cut my hair, after letting it grow for about 2 years. Well, I told my daughter I was going to do it and asked if she was ok with it, and ready for it. She asked a few standard questions like why, how and all that. But then she really stumped me and said, "So... are you gonna look like a ladybug or somethin'?" After I was able to ingest about 6 muscle relaxers to ease the pain in my now sore-from-laughing abs (joking, I don't take muscle relaxers, haha), I said, "No baby, I'm just gonna have less hair." I cracked up. Probably my favorite hair-cutting story ever.
- My wife watches a friends daughter a few days a week. The girl is right around my daughter's age, maybe 6 months younger or so. Well, she comes over one day, and it was somewhere close to Christmas if I remember right. My wife is talking to her, and a series of hilarious responses follow. My wife had been working on birthdays with the girls, teaching them their birthdays, and seeing if they could remember them. My wife says, "When is your birthday?" The response: "Monster." She had just told her when her birthday was, haha. *Facepalm*.
- This same girl, I want to say in the same day, had yet another awesome comeback to a question. I forget the actual beginning conversation, but somehow or other, the little girl decided to get my wife a present. "I'm going to buy you a white candle that smells like two!" *facepalm*.
- Every night, me and my daughter get to have a few minutes of story time before she goes to sleep. I'll lay down next her, snuggle up and we'll read. At the time, we were reading her "Child's First Bible". We reached what I can guess is about the book of Luke, where Jesus had just healed a group of men. So my daughter says, "I love Jesus." What a fantastic thing for me to hear from her. "Well, that's good baby, I'm glad you feel that way." So she comes back with, "Yeah. I love God too." Now I'm feelin' pretty good, she's actually getting something out of this Bible, even though it's super abridged and VERY simple, and then she continues, "...and Mickey Mouse, and Donald Duck..." *Facepalm* "That's good baby, I'm glad you love so many people, just remember that God is a little bit different than Mickey and Donald." hahaha.
- Last night was one of the best I've heard from her. We're sitting in the car eating Del Taco with our friends after AWANA. I'm having a taco, and I say to the group, "I hate when the paper gets all wrinkly, because it feels just like the tortilla, and when it's dark I end up being like, 'Uh oh, what am I biting in to?'" Well, my daughter took that as a question... a question she felt obliged to answer. And in a very matter-of-fact tone says, "*sigh* a TACO daddy." -_- Well... can't argue with that... score one for the toddler...
- This morning while I was getting ready for work was probably my next favorite, tied with the one above. My wife asks my daughter what she'd like to drink to take with her to drop me off at work. My daughter says milk, which is great, since one of the things she's been so picky about lately was milk with no strawberry or chocolate in it (see previous post). She also specifies she wants it in her big princess jug. So my wife says, "Well, baby, the princess jug has water in it, I can't use that one." My daughter assumes the matter-of-fact tone again and says, "Well just dump the water out mommy." I look at my wife... she looks at me... and we share the same look: score ANOTHER for the toddler... *facepalm*
- A while ago, I decided to have a little daddy daughter time and take the kid out for ice cream. So after we had eaten dinner and whatnot, I said, "Ok kiddo, let's put shoes and socks on and we can go have ice cream!" She was sitting in her chair at the time, crosslegged. So she lifts up her leg to show me her foot and quite sarcastically says, "Does this look like shoes to you?!"... *facepalm* After laughing hysterically, I remind her that I told her she NEEDS shoes and socks. To which she says, "Oh". Brilliant, hahaha.
- Another repeating favorite of mine, is that anytime she says she's done something already, it always happened "last year, when I was a baby." This applies to anything that happen prior to the second she replied to my question. It could be two days ago, five minutes ago, or even the task she was performing right when I asked her... doesn't matter, it all happened last year when she was a baby...
- A more embarrassing episode occurred in the store. (you can see where this is going...) We were walking into the store, and if I remember right, we passed by a rather heavy-set man coming out. My daughter taps me and says, "Daddy, look at that BIG man." Don't worry, my wife and I recovered from the whiplash we suffered when we jerked our heads around to glare at her... *facepalm*
- My daughter is also a human fart detector. If a fart is let go, she immediately jerks her head to look at the person who did it (usually me... ok, always me) and then I kind of snicker at her, at which point she quickly points to my wife and snickers some more... I hope she's a lawyer when she grows up, she can represent me any day, haha.
So I'll be seeing you next time, I hope you enjoy this post, and have a wonderful weekend!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Hell's Kitchen
Wow... what a couple weeks we've been having. Busy busy busy. Fear not, I have returned. And today's post is going to be more of a journal entry type of post than anything else.
For a few weeks now, we've been having quite the conflict with our daughter about something that's never really been an issue before: food. She's always been pretty open to trying foods, and pretty diligent when it came to eating all her food. She's never been one to pick around the vegetables and eat only a certain portion of her dinner. Well, now we've reached a bit of a road block. She suddenly likes absolutely nothing. Chicken, hamburgers, tacos, macaroni, vegetables, nothing. Doesn't want anything to do with it. Well, I want her to eat, obviously. So what do I do about this little conundrum? My parents were not as lenient as I have been. They cooked whatever they cooked, and if I didn't eat it, I was gonna be pretty hungry until I decided I better eat what was there. Which I think is perfectly fair.
Now, I have to believe that she's just testing her boundaries on this one, because I KNOW she is crazy about macaroni & cheese. She loves the stuff. We went out to lunch with a few friends recently, to Olive Garden. She orders the mac & cheese (which she affectionately refers to as "mac-e-rone"). Great, something she knows, something she'll eat. Well about a bite or two in, she decides she doesn't want anymore. Well, that's not gonna work, since she didn't have much for breakfast and she needs to eat to keep her energy up and her attitude better adjusted (gets that from me). So I make the offer of just a few more bites, and then she can share my dessert with me. Refusal. So I ask her if she'd like some of my dessert. Of course I get a positive nod. So I come back with, "Well, then I need you to have a few more bites of your mac-e-rone. Negative. Sigh...
I'm going to be honest, this whole situation has me baffled. The conversation continues with some more bargaining, and slowly but surely she begins to get more belligerent about not wanting anymore. And that's where my line is. I refuse to allow bad behavior simply because she "doesn't want to". Not on my watch thanks. So we have a talk about that next. Slowly, she comes around a little, and accepts the few more bites from me. Deal made, dessert enjoyed, mission accomplished.
It all sounds easy now right? WRONG. This battle has been waged at pretty much every meal for a while now. We have no idea where it came from, how she picked up that she doesn't like ANYTHING anymore, or why. But we're trying to be as diplomatic as possible about it, because the more we have fights about it, the more averted to mealtime in general she is going to be, and it'll be worse. I refuse to make a special meal just because she "doesn't like" what we're having. That's not the way I was raised, it's not the way my wife was raised, case closed. So the general consensus is that she will get a plate with her food on it, and eventually, she'll get hungry enough to eat. If she doesn't want to eat it, well, she's gonna be pretty hungry then. I hate this approach, I really do, because one of the most sensitive subjects in my heart is hungry children. I don't like to see ANYBODY hungry really. But I also know that if she comes to me and says she's hungry, I will have something to offer her, it just may not be what she wants.
Hopefully this whole phase will be something she can use as a lesson later on life. I honestly believe it's a testing of boundaries, and that it'll pass. She just has to have those boundaries established so she can get it out of her system. Toddlers are tons of fun, but sometimes the struggles can be overwhelming.
Overall, I'd like to say to other parents out there, that if you're going through the same struggle, God be with you, haha. And if you haven't gone through it yet, I hope you fare well in your battles. This situation is a definite test of a parent's patience, and it's not always easy.
P.S. For all of you who thought I had the most easy going daughter in the world and just got your mental picture shattered... sorry, hahaha.
See you next time!
For a few weeks now, we've been having quite the conflict with our daughter about something that's never really been an issue before: food. She's always been pretty open to trying foods, and pretty diligent when it came to eating all her food. She's never been one to pick around the vegetables and eat only a certain portion of her dinner. Well, now we've reached a bit of a road block. She suddenly likes absolutely nothing. Chicken, hamburgers, tacos, macaroni, vegetables, nothing. Doesn't want anything to do with it. Well, I want her to eat, obviously. So what do I do about this little conundrum? My parents were not as lenient as I have been. They cooked whatever they cooked, and if I didn't eat it, I was gonna be pretty hungry until I decided I better eat what was there. Which I think is perfectly fair.
Now, I have to believe that she's just testing her boundaries on this one, because I KNOW she is crazy about macaroni & cheese. She loves the stuff. We went out to lunch with a few friends recently, to Olive Garden. She orders the mac & cheese (which she affectionately refers to as "mac-e-rone"). Great, something she knows, something she'll eat. Well about a bite or two in, she decides she doesn't want anymore. Well, that's not gonna work, since she didn't have much for breakfast and she needs to eat to keep her energy up and her attitude better adjusted (gets that from me). So I make the offer of just a few more bites, and then she can share my dessert with me. Refusal. So I ask her if she'd like some of my dessert. Of course I get a positive nod. So I come back with, "Well, then I need you to have a few more bites of your mac-e-rone. Negative. Sigh...
I'm going to be honest, this whole situation has me baffled. The conversation continues with some more bargaining, and slowly but surely she begins to get more belligerent about not wanting anymore. And that's where my line is. I refuse to allow bad behavior simply because she "doesn't want to". Not on my watch thanks. So we have a talk about that next. Slowly, she comes around a little, and accepts the few more bites from me. Deal made, dessert enjoyed, mission accomplished.
It all sounds easy now right? WRONG. This battle has been waged at pretty much every meal for a while now. We have no idea where it came from, how she picked up that she doesn't like ANYTHING anymore, or why. But we're trying to be as diplomatic as possible about it, because the more we have fights about it, the more averted to mealtime in general she is going to be, and it'll be worse. I refuse to make a special meal just because she "doesn't like" what we're having. That's not the way I was raised, it's not the way my wife was raised, case closed. So the general consensus is that she will get a plate with her food on it, and eventually, she'll get hungry enough to eat. If she doesn't want to eat it, well, she's gonna be pretty hungry then. I hate this approach, I really do, because one of the most sensitive subjects in my heart is hungry children. I don't like to see ANYBODY hungry really. But I also know that if she comes to me and says she's hungry, I will have something to offer her, it just may not be what she wants.
Hopefully this whole phase will be something she can use as a lesson later on life. I honestly believe it's a testing of boundaries, and that it'll pass. She just has to have those boundaries established so she can get it out of her system. Toddlers are tons of fun, but sometimes the struggles can be overwhelming.
Overall, I'd like to say to other parents out there, that if you're going through the same struggle, God be with you, haha. And if you haven't gone through it yet, I hope you fare well in your battles. This situation is a definite test of a parent's patience, and it's not always easy.
P.S. For all of you who thought I had the most easy going daughter in the world and just got your mental picture shattered... sorry, hahaha.
See you next time!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Daddy VS... Hollywood???
Yes that's right, I'm taking on Hollywood for this one. This will be a similar post to Daddy VS Disney, but will be more general, referencing only TYPES of movies and using a few examples, as opposed to a whole line of movies.
So let's start with a few questions: What types of movies will you let your child watch? What's ok? What isn't? How do you determine if they are or aren't? I've heard these questions answered in so many different ways
Here's a few examples of my and my wife's philosophy on this.
We've been pretty lenient about movies with our daughter. I know of people who strongly censor what their kids see. That's fine, to each their own, but for me it's just not something I worry that much about, at least not to an extreme level. For example, Disney movies, yeah those are pretty much universal. I don't see anything wrong with those. But what about a movie like Wolfman? The new one, with Benicio Del Toro. Is that ok? Let's break it down: It's a scary movie, the werewolf was very well done. Probably scary for a little kid. It's got some gore in it, the werewolf kinda lets a few people have it. However, there is no swearing beyond "damned" or "hell". There aren't any sexual references. And there is no nudity. Would you let your children watch it? Want to hear something funny? My daughter REQUESTS this one... a time or two a month at minimum. I'm perfectly ok with her watching it. Why? Because rather than try and EXPLAIN to her that things are make-believe, she can see it for herself. If she starts to get a little scared, I just pull her up on my lap, and explain to her that it's just a man in a costume and a few tricks with a computer.
The entire Harry Potter collection is the same rule, though not much about that series scares her. The Marvel movies that have been coming out (Iron Man, X-Men, Spiderman, etc) are the same. However, movies with really strong language in them, we're probably not going to let her watch them. Movies with sex scenes or nudity, same deal. The thing about that though, is we aren't really the type of people to watch movies that contain excessive amounts of those things anyway, but there are a few movies where there's a boob flash, or where they use really profane language, that we still like. Not many, mind you, but still...
So how do you regulate that? How do you decide if the movie is ok or not? I don't know... I would actually like to hear your thoughts. As with any question posed on this blogged it's all a matter of personal perspective. I don't think Wolfman is a bad movie for my daughter to watch, but I'm sure somebody who reads this will disagree. That's their choice, because they raise their kids differently. I'm only offering my perspective. Let's hear yours.
See you next time!
So let's start with a few questions: What types of movies will you let your child watch? What's ok? What isn't? How do you determine if they are or aren't? I've heard these questions answered in so many different ways
Here's a few examples of my and my wife's philosophy on this.
We've been pretty lenient about movies with our daughter. I know of people who strongly censor what their kids see. That's fine, to each their own, but for me it's just not something I worry that much about, at least not to an extreme level. For example, Disney movies, yeah those are pretty much universal. I don't see anything wrong with those. But what about a movie like Wolfman? The new one, with Benicio Del Toro. Is that ok? Let's break it down: It's a scary movie, the werewolf was very well done. Probably scary for a little kid. It's got some gore in it, the werewolf kinda lets a few people have it. However, there is no swearing beyond "damned" or "hell". There aren't any sexual references. And there is no nudity. Would you let your children watch it? Want to hear something funny? My daughter REQUESTS this one... a time or two a month at minimum. I'm perfectly ok with her watching it. Why? Because rather than try and EXPLAIN to her that things are make-believe, she can see it for herself. If she starts to get a little scared, I just pull her up on my lap, and explain to her that it's just a man in a costume and a few tricks with a computer.
The entire Harry Potter collection is the same rule, though not much about that series scares her. The Marvel movies that have been coming out (Iron Man, X-Men, Spiderman, etc) are the same. However, movies with really strong language in them, we're probably not going to let her watch them. Movies with sex scenes or nudity, same deal. The thing about that though, is we aren't really the type of people to watch movies that contain excessive amounts of those things anyway, but there are a few movies where there's a boob flash, or where they use really profane language, that we still like. Not many, mind you, but still...
So how do you regulate that? How do you decide if the movie is ok or not? I don't know... I would actually like to hear your thoughts. As with any question posed on this blogged it's all a matter of personal perspective. I don't think Wolfman is a bad movie for my daughter to watch, but I'm sure somebody who reads this will disagree. That's their choice, because they raise their kids differently. I'm only offering my perspective. Let's hear yours.
See you next time!
Monday, February 13, 2012
Due Process
Okeedokee everybody, get out your torches and pitchforks, cuz this one's gonna be a doozy. Today, I'm going to offer my personal perspective on... drum roll please...
DISCIPLINE!!!
Yes folks, you read that right, I'll be throwing myself into the line of fire on this one and giving my perspective on one of the most heavily debated subjects of parenting.
So, first of all, this one might take some involvement on your part. Nothing public, just for your own use. So the first thing I want you to do is ask yourself a question. "Were my parents "good" parents?" Pretty simple yes or no question. When you have your answer, ask yourself the following question: "Why?"
Some common answers would probably be: They loved me more than themselves, they always provided for me, they set good examples for me, etc... could be anything. There are no wrong answers (with a possible exception being, "my mom's hair was always perfect"). Just keep those ideas in mind for this topic.
The common theme with a lot of sites I frequent is that spanking or physically disciplining your children is utterly wrong, and under any and all circumstances, makes you a bad parent. They make no bones about it. So let's go ahead and start there, might as well kick this party off with a bang.
I was spanked as a child. Note: I said spanked, not BEATEN. If I did something severely or deliberately disrespectful or defiant, I got in trouble for it. Sometimes that could be solved with an apology, and other times it could not. Now, I wasn't a terror when I was a child, so this didn't happen all that often. I could probably count the number of spankings I received on my fingers, without repeating. Not too bad considering how long I lived with my folks. Wondering how I answered the opening question? Here goes. Yes, my parents were awesome. Not because they coddled me and because I always got everything I wanted. Because they focused on teaching me the value of appreciation for what you're given, loyalty to family, responsibility for myself and my actions, and because they never failed to show me how much they loved me, even when I was in trouble.
Many of the things I teach my daughter are things I was taught by my parents, and I'm proud to do it. Yes, I was spanked as a child. Personally, I consider myself about as well adjusted as any member of society out there today. The trials and struggles I face on a daily basis are no greater than anyone else's. I don't hate my father or mother for the discipline I received as a child, which was never more than a pop on the behind. I am grateful for it, and here's why.
The world is not a walk along a flower lined path, edged by bushes that grow gumdrops instead of berries. There is not candy cane bridge over a river of root beer. The real world will not allow you a simple apology for your mistakes. Your words and actions are offered to the world for acceptance, and no matter if they're good or bad, there WILL be a reaction to them. I understood that from a very young age. I learned to respect my parents, and to be respectful of other adults, and to take responsibility for my actions and mistakes.
So according to a fair number of people, my parents are still bad parents right? The ever present need for society and humanity to generalize things for the sake of ease has struck again. Instead of viewing every situation uniquely and fairly, they're simply saying words like "all" and "any". That's not fair to those of us who are perfectly well adjusted as adults, but were disciplined this way as children. It's not fair to tell a person who spanks their child that they don't love their children as much as someone who doesn't spank. Not fair at all.
Please understand this. I don't disagree with the parents who choose not to spank their kids. Quite the contrary, I very much admire the parents who don't, especially if that works when it comes to their child getting the message they're trying to convey. So what is our philosophy and opinion? Let me break it down for you.
Our daughter responds very well to reasoning, more often than not. If she's throwing a tantrum about something, because it's not going her way, we can sit her down, try and get her calmed down with a hug, and then ask her why she's upset. If she can't seem to calm down, she has a little harder time answering the question. But if she CAN answer the question, then we can start dissecting that problem with her, and usually reach some form of compromise or deal about it, to avoid conflict.
One situation we encounter is when she's asked to do something, and suddenly decides that she's grumpy, puts on her pouty face and shakes her head no. "Ok Punkin, it's time to get ready for bed, let's pick up your toys so we can get ready for bed." Commence head shaking. This would be one of those instances where telling us no is not ok. We asked nicely, and since she was playing with them, she needs to aid in the cleanup process. As above, we begin by calmly reasoning with her, and explaining that it's part of her responsibility to help clean up after she's done playing. About half the time, she understands that it's partly her job to help too. The other half isn't so sunny... haha. She will maintain her defiant stance, so then we have to explain to her that it's not nice to make a mess and not clean it up. I don't want her to think that she can go through life making a mess because Mommy and Daddy will just come through and clean it all up for her, that's how Kardashians are born. On occasion, this second round of reasoning will take, and she'll come over and help. But there are the rare instances where it simply doesn't take, and then she starts to get belligerent and rude and disrespectful. It wasn't allowed when I was a child, it's not allowed in the real world, and it's not allowed in our house. She's given yet another opportunity to explain herself, and to come and help, and if she still continues to act that way, it's a quick pop on the behind. This is not to be confused with a full-arm swing, it's from the wrist, and it suffices to get her attention. At this point, another round of attempted reasoning begins. Usually, she'll come around and she's given the opportunity to apologize, and make right the situation. When that is established, we then apologize to her for popping her on the behind, and she acknowledges that she forgives us. Does that mean I don't love my daughter? Absolutely not.
Many parents who swear totally against this kind of thing will interject and tell me that when she's crying and yelling irrationally, that she's just expressing her emotion in the only way she knows how, and that we need to be more understanding about it and that she's emotionally distressed, etc. I'm sorry guys, but I disagree. She was asked calmly and kindly to HELP pick up her toys, and refused. She was explained the importance of taking responsibility, calmly and kindly, and still refused. It was explained again, and she began her tirade. Three explanations is plenty, and there is no "emotional hardship" behind simply not wanting to pick up her toys, and contribute to the effort. Believe me, I know when she's struggling with something like that. If she got her feelings hurt because one of us was impatient with her (which everyone does at some point or other), then it's OUR job to apologize to her, and sit and reason with her about it, and that's where she can explain that Mommy or Daddy hurt her feelings. These are the points where she learns about forgiveness.
Let's also be clear about another thing. There is a very clear line between discipline and child abuse. Just two weekends ago, a car skidded to a halt outside our house, a man exited, moved to the passenger door, opened it, and began to repeatedly slap his 15 year old daughter in the face so hard that we could hear his hand making contact with her face... from the backyard. She was screaming. Excessive? Absolutely. The sheriff was called about it, it was that bad. I'm sure some of you who read this will argue that there is no line. You're entitled to your opinion, as am I. And if your methods of parenting work for you, then I wish your child a blessed journey to adulthood, and I hope that you get as much out of it as your children.
This is the point guys. Children MUST understand the concept of consequences for inappropriate actions. The world is not going to give them a million chances to say sorry for their mistakes. That's not the world we live in. Reading about riding a bike is simple enough, as is listening to an explanation of how to ride one. When you're on the bike, that information carries only so much weight now. Any parent with half a brain will ALWAYS choose a more peaceful resolution to inappropriate behavior. Who wouldn't want a peaceful resolution to every problem. Be open to suggestions from other parents, you may not know they make a good point until you look at it with another pair of eyes.
There is nothing general or standard about a person's parenting style. It's a very dynamic, individual, unique experience to each family. I honestly pray that any who read this can understand that before they judge me.
See ya next time.
DISCIPLINE!!!
Yes folks, you read that right, I'll be throwing myself into the line of fire on this one and giving my perspective on one of the most heavily debated subjects of parenting.
So, first of all, this one might take some involvement on your part. Nothing public, just for your own use. So the first thing I want you to do is ask yourself a question. "Were my parents "good" parents?" Pretty simple yes or no question. When you have your answer, ask yourself the following question: "Why?"
Some common answers would probably be: They loved me more than themselves, they always provided for me, they set good examples for me, etc... could be anything. There are no wrong answers (with a possible exception being, "my mom's hair was always perfect"). Just keep those ideas in mind for this topic.
The common theme with a lot of sites I frequent is that spanking or physically disciplining your children is utterly wrong, and under any and all circumstances, makes you a bad parent. They make no bones about it. So let's go ahead and start there, might as well kick this party off with a bang.
I was spanked as a child. Note: I said spanked, not BEATEN. If I did something severely or deliberately disrespectful or defiant, I got in trouble for it. Sometimes that could be solved with an apology, and other times it could not. Now, I wasn't a terror when I was a child, so this didn't happen all that often. I could probably count the number of spankings I received on my fingers, without repeating. Not too bad considering how long I lived with my folks. Wondering how I answered the opening question? Here goes. Yes, my parents were awesome. Not because they coddled me and because I always got everything I wanted. Because they focused on teaching me the value of appreciation for what you're given, loyalty to family, responsibility for myself and my actions, and because they never failed to show me how much they loved me, even when I was in trouble.
Many of the things I teach my daughter are things I was taught by my parents, and I'm proud to do it. Yes, I was spanked as a child. Personally, I consider myself about as well adjusted as any member of society out there today. The trials and struggles I face on a daily basis are no greater than anyone else's. I don't hate my father or mother for the discipline I received as a child, which was never more than a pop on the behind. I am grateful for it, and here's why.
The world is not a walk along a flower lined path, edged by bushes that grow gumdrops instead of berries. There is not candy cane bridge over a river of root beer. The real world will not allow you a simple apology for your mistakes. Your words and actions are offered to the world for acceptance, and no matter if they're good or bad, there WILL be a reaction to them. I understood that from a very young age. I learned to respect my parents, and to be respectful of other adults, and to take responsibility for my actions and mistakes.
So according to a fair number of people, my parents are still bad parents right? The ever present need for society and humanity to generalize things for the sake of ease has struck again. Instead of viewing every situation uniquely and fairly, they're simply saying words like "all" and "any". That's not fair to those of us who are perfectly well adjusted as adults, but were disciplined this way as children. It's not fair to tell a person who spanks their child that they don't love their children as much as someone who doesn't spank. Not fair at all.
Please understand this. I don't disagree with the parents who choose not to spank their kids. Quite the contrary, I very much admire the parents who don't, especially if that works when it comes to their child getting the message they're trying to convey. So what is our philosophy and opinion? Let me break it down for you.
Our daughter responds very well to reasoning, more often than not. If she's throwing a tantrum about something, because it's not going her way, we can sit her down, try and get her calmed down with a hug, and then ask her why she's upset. If she can't seem to calm down, she has a little harder time answering the question. But if she CAN answer the question, then we can start dissecting that problem with her, and usually reach some form of compromise or deal about it, to avoid conflict.
One situation we encounter is when she's asked to do something, and suddenly decides that she's grumpy, puts on her pouty face and shakes her head no. "Ok Punkin, it's time to get ready for bed, let's pick up your toys so we can get ready for bed." Commence head shaking. This would be one of those instances where telling us no is not ok. We asked nicely, and since she was playing with them, she needs to aid in the cleanup process. As above, we begin by calmly reasoning with her, and explaining that it's part of her responsibility to help clean up after she's done playing. About half the time, she understands that it's partly her job to help too. The other half isn't so sunny... haha. She will maintain her defiant stance, so then we have to explain to her that it's not nice to make a mess and not clean it up. I don't want her to think that she can go through life making a mess because Mommy and Daddy will just come through and clean it all up for her, that's how Kardashians are born. On occasion, this second round of reasoning will take, and she'll come over and help. But there are the rare instances where it simply doesn't take, and then she starts to get belligerent and rude and disrespectful. It wasn't allowed when I was a child, it's not allowed in the real world, and it's not allowed in our house. She's given yet another opportunity to explain herself, and to come and help, and if she still continues to act that way, it's a quick pop on the behind. This is not to be confused with a full-arm swing, it's from the wrist, and it suffices to get her attention. At this point, another round of attempted reasoning begins. Usually, she'll come around and she's given the opportunity to apologize, and make right the situation. When that is established, we then apologize to her for popping her on the behind, and she acknowledges that she forgives us. Does that mean I don't love my daughter? Absolutely not.
Many parents who swear totally against this kind of thing will interject and tell me that when she's crying and yelling irrationally, that she's just expressing her emotion in the only way she knows how, and that we need to be more understanding about it and that she's emotionally distressed, etc. I'm sorry guys, but I disagree. She was asked calmly and kindly to HELP pick up her toys, and refused. She was explained the importance of taking responsibility, calmly and kindly, and still refused. It was explained again, and she began her tirade. Three explanations is plenty, and there is no "emotional hardship" behind simply not wanting to pick up her toys, and contribute to the effort. Believe me, I know when she's struggling with something like that. If she got her feelings hurt because one of us was impatient with her (which everyone does at some point or other), then it's OUR job to apologize to her, and sit and reason with her about it, and that's where she can explain that Mommy or Daddy hurt her feelings. These are the points where she learns about forgiveness.
Let's also be clear about another thing. There is a very clear line between discipline and child abuse. Just two weekends ago, a car skidded to a halt outside our house, a man exited, moved to the passenger door, opened it, and began to repeatedly slap his 15 year old daughter in the face so hard that we could hear his hand making contact with her face... from the backyard. She was screaming. Excessive? Absolutely. The sheriff was called about it, it was that bad. I'm sure some of you who read this will argue that there is no line. You're entitled to your opinion, as am I. And if your methods of parenting work for you, then I wish your child a blessed journey to adulthood, and I hope that you get as much out of it as your children.
This is the point guys. Children MUST understand the concept of consequences for inappropriate actions. The world is not going to give them a million chances to say sorry for their mistakes. That's not the world we live in. Reading about riding a bike is simple enough, as is listening to an explanation of how to ride one. When you're on the bike, that information carries only so much weight now. Any parent with half a brain will ALWAYS choose a more peaceful resolution to inappropriate behavior. Who wouldn't want a peaceful resolution to every problem. Be open to suggestions from other parents, you may not know they make a good point until you look at it with another pair of eyes.
There is nothing general or standard about a person's parenting style. It's a very dynamic, individual, unique experience to each family. I honestly pray that any who read this can understand that before they judge me.
See ya next time.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Daddy VS Disney
Ok, today I'm gonna do something a little bit different. Call it an analysis. My daughter... ok, well, my FAMILY watches a lot of Disney movies. They're reliable, they're funny, they're appropriate (normally), and most adults my age, and even a bit older, can remember watching them when THEY were kids. It's tradition.
What I would like to do is take a little better look at how they've progressed over time. Being that I have a little girl who loves her some princess time, I'll go into the princess-based movies first. What I'll be doing is offering the moral that I pick up from the movie, as I see it relating to a child. Are you ready princesses?!?! Prepare to be ROASTED!
1.) Snow White: Well let's see, as with many of the Disney movies, the stepmother is always a wicked, hateful, jealous woman with one goal: making the main character's life miserable. The writers of these stories must have had parents with horrible marital problems... Anyway, Snow White is made to work all day for her stepmother, and her stepmother is this vain woman with a severe jealousy problem upon finding out Snow White is prettier than her. Which begins Snow White's dramatic journey through the forest and into the company of the Seven Dwarfs. Here, she continues to cook, clean and basically manage these slovenly old dwarfs household for them, in exchange for room and board. Seems fair, right? I think so. Not a bad lesson in my perspective. If somebody is giving you something, help out and earn your keep. On the flip side, when the queen suddenly discovers the betrayal of the huntsman and pursues Snow White, the girl does nothing to aid her own defense, and opens the door for the freakishly scary looking woman with apples. You know the rest. Moral according to Daddy: 1.)Don't open the door for strangers, bad things can happen. 2.) If someone is helping you, help them in return. Well done Disney, well done.
2.) Sleeping Beauty: This girl was just unfortunate. The evil sorceress has it in for this poor girl before she can even walk! So she is whisked away to the forest to remain in hiding until her 16th birthday. Well, on the day of her 16th birthday, whilst wandering alone in the forest (which doesn't seem like a terribly bright idea to me given the circumstances) daydreaming, she happens to run into the Prince (who she was betrothed to, but doesn't know, therefore making him a stranger). They dance, and walk and flirt and all that good stuff, and then all of a sudden she has a reality check and remembers she shouldn't be doing that, and then runs away, SHOUTING HER ADDRESS TO HIM! Hmmm... this movie just seems to be one bad idea after another. Moral according to Daddy: 1.) If confronted by a stranger, immediately run away, but if he seems honest enough, and he's cute, tell him where you live, because he might be a prince. 2.) Follow your dreams. Ok, I can get behind the second one, I would encourage my daughter to dream. The first one... not so much, haha.
3.) Cinderella: This is yet another stepmother bashing film. Cinderella is made to serve in her own house, waiting hand and foot on her stepmother and stepsisters. She, much like all Disney princesses, has a head full of dreams, which is fantastic for little girls to see. As I've said, dreaming is highly encouraged in our house. Well, as the story goes, she is allowed to go to the ball if she finishes her chores in time, which get multiplied by the stepmother to prevent her attendance. Well, once she finishes her chores, everyone else is ready to go, and the mice had made her a dress from "acquired" items discarded by the stepsisters. This dress is of course shredded, and she runs into the backyard to cry. This is the famous moment when the fairy godmother appears and makes all her dreams come true by sending her to the ball in a beautiful gown, exquisite carriage and some presumably uncomfortable shoes. All this cool stuff is given a limit though, in the form of the spell wearing off at midnight. Long story short, she hangs on to one of the shoes (the other was left behind at the ball), and ends up proving her identity, thereby seeing her dream of marrying a prince come to fruition. Moral according to Daddy: 1.) Sometimes life isn't always peachy, but keep dreaming, and things will work out. Maybe not realistic in a literal since, but definitely a good message of keeping a positive message. I'll give you this one Disney.
4.) The Little Mermaid: This one is a tough call. Ariel begins the movie by being late to her first ever musical performance, that was extremely important to her dad. Then, she continues to rant about how unhappy she is being a mermaid, and how she wants to be human so bad. So badly in fact, that she would strike a deal with a KNOWN ENEMY of her father to get it. You all know how things progressed from there, and in the end, her true love saves her, kills the sea witch, and she becomes a mermaid again, at which point her father gives in and allows her to live her life as a human. My findings on this movie will probably seem harsh, but it's all in good fun. Morals according to Daddy: 1.) If your father doesn't agree with you, go around him and do it anyway. Come on Disney, forsaking your parents for the sake of your dreams? Ouch. 2.) If you don't like yourself the way you are, find a way to be different. Hmmm... ok... I might be able to see this, but it's definitely a split decision for me. I'm half and half on this movie. Call it a draw.
5.) Belle: I kind of see this era of Disney as a turning point of sorts. Prior to this, most Disney princesses were pretty helpless as far as the story went. Waiting on their prince to come and rescue them because they were being somehow threatened by another entity. Little Mermaid hits on it a little bit by making Ariel so headstrong, but I really notice the independence with Belle. She is immediately portrayed as a woman with a purpose, dreams and a head on her shoulders. She's strong and she won't be pushed around by anyone, including the 8 foot tall beast. She wants TRUE love, to ANYBODY she falls in love with, not just a prince, it could be anybody. So the story really picks up when she rides off into danger to rescue her father (who really could've used Google Maps in my opinion). She finds herself in the castle where he is held captive, and then trades her own life for his. Noble and brave if you ask me. Then, she defies the beast and runs away because he's treating her badly. At which point he rescues her, and she stands up for herself YET AGAIN because he's being irrational and mean. After all that, she has to go rescue her father again, and is then put in the position to stand up to an entire angry mob (complete with pitchforks and torches) in defense of her friend the beast. The rest of the story continues and they live happily ever after. Morals according to Daddy: 1.) Be smart, and be independent, no matter what anyone thinks. Brilliant. 2.) Don't put restrictions on who you love that are based on income, stature or looks. Be open to love from wherever it may find you. Well done. 3.) Stand up for what you believe, and for your friends and family. Awesome. Disney, you have a masterpiece on your hands here. Brilliant job.
6.) Pocahontas: Yet another tough one. The girl is obviously independent and headstrong. Not terrible qualities at all. Early on, she is proven to be disobedient though... going against her father's very clear wishes. For the greater good? I suppose. The story then shows her finding John Smith, and teaching him all about the land, and the animals, etc. In the process, she falls in love with him, and there's a big conflict over the whole thing. This movie is pretty concise. Morals according to Daddy: 1.) If your father says not to do something, but you have a different feeling, do it anyway. Not always a smart idea. 2.) Don't let race or language get in the way of falling in love. Ok, I can support that. 3.) Defend your love to the death. Alright, ya got me there... that's a good one. All in all, Disney beats Daddy 2 to 1.
7.) Jasmine: Here is one I have to say I'm half and half on. Jasmine is a very obviously independent young woman, who feels very strongly that she should be allowed to marry anyone she wants. This of course is a problem for Jafar, who has plans of replacing the sultan. So Jasmine sneaks out, and ends up meeting Aladdin. Well, when they're both apprehended by the palace guards, she wastes no time in shovin' her weight around. Aladdin is clearly far more unfortunate than herself, and has no means of eating other than stealing his food. She shows compassion. An admirable quality. Well, Aladdin escapes to unwittingly help Jafar, and ends up lying to her about being a prince and yada yada yada. She ends up loving him anyway, without being a prince, and they live happily ever after until the sequel. Morals according to Daddy: 1.) If life isn't so great at home, leave. Not so crazy about this one. Rules might suck, but they're still rules. 2.) Help the poor and hungry. How could I possibly say anything negative about this one?? 3.) Don't let class, stature, or financial security decide who you love. A common theme, and a good one. Disney, this one is definitely passable. Well done.
8.) Mulan: Ok, while this one I don't really classify as a "princess" she's still a good role model for young girls today I think. She defies the societal standard by being different, and quirky (reference the scene where she gives the Matchmaker a run for her money), all while being proud of it. Then, when the draft comes around to collect her father for service, she takes his place and rides off to join the army. She grows and becomes even more independent and strong throughout the whole movie, and ends up being left to die for being a woman impersonating a man. After this, she journeys to the city to save the emperor and her fellow troops, EVEN THOUGH THEY LEFT HER TO DIE. She sees the big picture. Well, of course she saves China, and all is well. Morals according to Daddy: 1.) Stand up for your family, no matter what. Brilliant lesson. 2.) Be proud of who you are, even if you're not perfect to anyone else. Something I truly hope my daughter understands. 3.) Sometimes people make mistakes, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't have help too. A very noble concept. Well placed. Another win for Disney.
9.) Tiana: This was definitely a twist for Disney. This girl has been a hard worker from the get-go. Her father passed a dream on to her, and she worked her tail off to get it. She kept her eye on the prize, working two jobs, extra shifts all to get her restaurant. Well, when her offer gets rejected by the realtor guys, she's pretty bummed out and resorts to kissing a frog to see if THAT will help. Well, obviously it doesn't, and she goes through every manner of danger and disaster to find a way to be turned back into a human being. In the process, she teaches Navine a few things about hard work (and cooking) and also learns a few things about enjoying life for herself. At the end, everything works out for the best, and they live happily ever after, of course. Morals according to Daddy: 1.) Work hard for your goals. Couldn't pick a better moral for today's children. 2.) Work hard, but take time to enjoy life as well, its not ALL about work. A practice I regularly apply to my own life. Disney, you've got a winner on your hands!
10.) Rapunzel: This girl is quite interesting. She loves her "mother" very much, which is highly respectable. Though, when given the order to stay home, she disobeys and goes outside anyway, searching for the lanterns. But along the way, she makes a near instantaneous transformation into a strong, independent woman. She defends Flynn against the thugs in the bar (who become friends), stands up to her mother, perseveres and reaches her floating lanterns. She also discovers a few things about Flynn's humble beginnings, and loves him even more for them. They find their way back into the clutches of her mother, at which point she sacrifices her freedom for the chance to save Flynn's life, at which point he botches the whole deal and cuts her hair off. They return to the kingdom to reunite her with her parents, and live happily ever after. Morals according to Daddy: 1.) If your mom tells you something, but you REALLY want to do something else, just go ahead and do it. Ok, it's for the good of the story here, but I don't encourage rebelling against the parents. 2.) Accept a person for who they are, and love them for it no matter what. Sound advice. 3.) Be assertive, and know what you want. Another case of this in a Disney princess? Disney, you're on a roll!
Ok, so that about covers the MAIN princesses of the Disney realm. Overall, there are some good strong messages behind these movies (if you choose to be a nerd and dig them out haha). I notice the more recent Disney movies are more about independent, strong, caring women, while the older movies have the dainty, helpless, over-emotional princesses waiting around for the man to come and save them.
Don't get me wrong, I will always watch these movies, and let my daughter watch them. I will also always be a fan of these movies. The above theories are purely for a fun, thought-provoking way to see the Disney movies, and how a child might subliminally perceive the things happening in them. Obviously, I will not be attributing a child's disobedience to watching The Little Mermaid a hundred times a day...
I hope you enjoy this post, and I hope you have some cool comments to share with the rest of us about it.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
The Peeves of a Parent
Ok, well, it's been a few days since my last post. Things have been pretty busy in the Gertsch house this last week. Lots going on, we were all sick in different intervals... what a week. So to make up for being gone for a bit, I'd like to throw you all a post that is designed to receive interaction.
Pet peeves. Everyone has them. Allow me to re-phrase that. Everyone has PERSONAL pet peeves, that apply to any and every aspect of their own lives. But when you become a parent, suddenly you develop all new ones that relate to your children; whether they be about something your child does, or just how something affects your child. So let's get on to it then, and then you guys can share yours as well, because I'd love to hear them all! As with all my lists, these are in no particular order because they all irritate me just the same.
1.) Family restrooms. What a novel idea. A place for a breastfeeding mother to take her child for a bit of refuge from the prying eyes of the entire mall, a place where daddies can take their little girls potty, or mommies can take their little boys, or heck, a place for the WHOLE FAMILY to go together. The point is, these bathrooms are designed for those of us with children, to have a little easier place to get potty business done. My peeve: When I'm waiting and waiting for the family bathroom to open up, and when it finally does, out strolls a grown man or woman, BY THEMSELVES!!!! GAAAAAHHHH! This infuriates me. These bathrooms are a convenience to people with children, not to indulge a person's need for personal private time on the john.
2,) The eternal journey to the potty. Parents: Does it not blow your mind that the only time your child has to go potty is when you've finally made it to the opposite end of the store?? And to add the cherry on top, isn't it that much sweeter when you make it there after carrying the child, and dodging countless people with no sense of store-aisle etiquette, only to hear her say, "I don't have to go right now." How about when this happens multiple times? Even. Better. Now, don't mistake this peeve for one that incites anger in me. It certainly irritates me, since we're usually trying to get the shopping done and be on our way. But as my wife reminds me pretty regularly: "What if she really does have to go?" Hmmm... run to the bathroom, or chance it, and then clean her off, after going to the bathroom anyway?
3.) The game show parent. This one is specifically for my good friend Ken. We laugh about this one quite regularly. Picture this: You encounter a couple in the store and somehow strike up a conversation, maybe you know them somehow. They also have a small child. You turn to the child, and to have them be part of the conversation as well, ask, "Wow, cool shoes!! What color are they?" Immediately, the parent mentally slams their hand down on their buzzer and says, "They're red." *Facepalm* Yes lady, I'm not blind, I'm well aware of what color your child's shoes are, I was asking THE CHILD to give the opportunity for them to answer me, and show me that they know their colors. The best is when a child is at the stage where they're beginning to count, and understand age. "Oh wow, you're gettin' big! How old are you?" BUZZ!!! "She's three." *Facepalm*
4.) The heathens. No, this is not a religious disagreement. I mean the children who barrel through you or your kid at the store, or the park, and create a general sense of havoc and disarray wherever they go. The part that peeves me about this? The parents, sitting idly by, playing on their smartphones, or simply meandering through the store with their carts, paying no heed whatsoever to their rowdy, obnoxious children. Now, I'm not a total stiff, I'll play hide & seek with my daughter in the department store, come on, what else are all those racks of tacky, ugly clothing for? But come on, if your child is running amok, rein em in! I cringe every time we go to the park and there are kids like this there. My daughter will get to the top and be ready to slide down the big slide, and up behind her comes the ill-behaved children. My only thought is that they're going to push her down, and she'll tumble off the side or something.
5.) The know-betters. These are the parents who have very rigid parenting techniques, that they are pretty certain were sent by God himself, and therefore, are the ONLY parenting techniques. They are also generous enough to constantly share that perspective with you, and insist that you shouldn't "Let your child do that" or some other ridiculous little tid bit. Without knowing the full situation about a person's parenting style, don't criticize it. Nobody's saying yours is wrong, I'm saying don't push it on me.
6.) The kid owners. One thing that absolutely drives me nuts, are the parents who have children, maybe a few, who take the time to have their kids, and then any time you see them, they're either never with their kids, or never acknowledging them, similar to a pet owner. They'll sit and ignore their kids while they're trying to get their attention. I get the impression that as soon as the child learned to walk on their own, that was it. The parent has no interaction with their kids, they just sit and do whatever it is they want to do, and ignore the child's attempts to get their attention, whether it's just to show them something, or to play with them. This is just sad. My daughter will pick some rather inconvenient times to want to play with us, usually during the cooking of dinner. I understand, because she hasn't seen me all day, and cooking usually happens shortly after I get home. Me and my wife will be in the kitchen (after the homecoming hugs and kisses) getting dinner together, and my daughter will ask me to play with her. God bless my wife, she usually takes over whatever it is I'm doing so I can at least get a few minutes in of dinosaurs or ponies. Other times, I may be doing the whole meal myself, and have to tell her that I'll play with her in a little bit, when the dinner doesn't need to be serviced, just listened for. The point is, we love playing with our daughter, we had her so that we could interact with her. Sometimes we don't feel like it, or have something going on, and have to tell her no, but we always respond to it, and make her a return offer of a different time to play. I enjoy playing video games quite a bit, but I don't want to totally lose out on time with her either. Long story short, my daughter is an expert dragon/zombie/goblin/bad guy finder.
7.) NO. This one kinda speaks for itself doesn't it moms and dads? "Punkin, can you eat your dinner please? Then we can have dessert." "No." Even when not yelled, this word is one of the most irritating words I know... and the worst part about it is that I know I helped create it. We've always been pretty open about letting our daughter make choices for herself, so she knew how to make up her mind and think for herself. But that does open up the door for her to apply those rules to ANYTHING SHE IS ASKED! So then, especially in relation to dinner time, it turns into an explanation of why I don't want her to be hungry, or more often than not, the benefit to her for eating some more. I've learned the hard way about making her eat too much, so I won't push her to eat everything on her plate, because she hasn't learned to give us a rating of how hungry she is. So she could very well be full. But I'm no idiot, I know she has room in her stomach for more than just two bites of chicken... haha.
Well this is my list everybody. Just a short one. Believe me, I have way more peeves than this, but these are probably my top peeves. I am not just encouraging you to share on this one, I would actually like to ASK you to share on this one. I think this could be a pretty fun little experiment to see where everyone's peeves collide, so let's see it.
Pet peeves. Everyone has them. Allow me to re-phrase that. Everyone has PERSONAL pet peeves, that apply to any and every aspect of their own lives. But when you become a parent, suddenly you develop all new ones that relate to your children; whether they be about something your child does, or just how something affects your child. So let's get on to it then, and then you guys can share yours as well, because I'd love to hear them all! As with all my lists, these are in no particular order because they all irritate me just the same.
1.) Family restrooms. What a novel idea. A place for a breastfeeding mother to take her child for a bit of refuge from the prying eyes of the entire mall, a place where daddies can take their little girls potty, or mommies can take their little boys, or heck, a place for the WHOLE FAMILY to go together. The point is, these bathrooms are designed for those of us with children, to have a little easier place to get potty business done. My peeve: When I'm waiting and waiting for the family bathroom to open up, and when it finally does, out strolls a grown man or woman, BY THEMSELVES!!!! GAAAAAHHHH! This infuriates me. These bathrooms are a convenience to people with children, not to indulge a person's need for personal private time on the john.
2,) The eternal journey to the potty. Parents: Does it not blow your mind that the only time your child has to go potty is when you've finally made it to the opposite end of the store?? And to add the cherry on top, isn't it that much sweeter when you make it there after carrying the child, and dodging countless people with no sense of store-aisle etiquette, only to hear her say, "I don't have to go right now." How about when this happens multiple times? Even. Better. Now, don't mistake this peeve for one that incites anger in me. It certainly irritates me, since we're usually trying to get the shopping done and be on our way. But as my wife reminds me pretty regularly: "What if she really does have to go?" Hmmm... run to the bathroom, or chance it, and then clean her off, after going to the bathroom anyway?
3.) The game show parent. This one is specifically for my good friend Ken. We laugh about this one quite regularly. Picture this: You encounter a couple in the store and somehow strike up a conversation, maybe you know them somehow. They also have a small child. You turn to the child, and to have them be part of the conversation as well, ask, "Wow, cool shoes!! What color are they?" Immediately, the parent mentally slams their hand down on their buzzer and says, "They're red." *Facepalm* Yes lady, I'm not blind, I'm well aware of what color your child's shoes are, I was asking THE CHILD to give the opportunity for them to answer me, and show me that they know their colors. The best is when a child is at the stage where they're beginning to count, and understand age. "Oh wow, you're gettin' big! How old are you?" BUZZ!!! "She's three." *Facepalm*
4.) The heathens. No, this is not a religious disagreement. I mean the children who barrel through you or your kid at the store, or the park, and create a general sense of havoc and disarray wherever they go. The part that peeves me about this? The parents, sitting idly by, playing on their smartphones, or simply meandering through the store with their carts, paying no heed whatsoever to their rowdy, obnoxious children. Now, I'm not a total stiff, I'll play hide & seek with my daughter in the department store, come on, what else are all those racks of tacky, ugly clothing for? But come on, if your child is running amok, rein em in! I cringe every time we go to the park and there are kids like this there. My daughter will get to the top and be ready to slide down the big slide, and up behind her comes the ill-behaved children. My only thought is that they're going to push her down, and she'll tumble off the side or something.
5.) The know-betters. These are the parents who have very rigid parenting techniques, that they are pretty certain were sent by God himself, and therefore, are the ONLY parenting techniques. They are also generous enough to constantly share that perspective with you, and insist that you shouldn't "Let your child do that" or some other ridiculous little tid bit. Without knowing the full situation about a person's parenting style, don't criticize it. Nobody's saying yours is wrong, I'm saying don't push it on me.
6.) The kid owners. One thing that absolutely drives me nuts, are the parents who have children, maybe a few, who take the time to have their kids, and then any time you see them, they're either never with their kids, or never acknowledging them, similar to a pet owner. They'll sit and ignore their kids while they're trying to get their attention. I get the impression that as soon as the child learned to walk on their own, that was it. The parent has no interaction with their kids, they just sit and do whatever it is they want to do, and ignore the child's attempts to get their attention, whether it's just to show them something, or to play with them. This is just sad. My daughter will pick some rather inconvenient times to want to play with us, usually during the cooking of dinner. I understand, because she hasn't seen me all day, and cooking usually happens shortly after I get home. Me and my wife will be in the kitchen (after the homecoming hugs and kisses) getting dinner together, and my daughter will ask me to play with her. God bless my wife, she usually takes over whatever it is I'm doing so I can at least get a few minutes in of dinosaurs or ponies. Other times, I may be doing the whole meal myself, and have to tell her that I'll play with her in a little bit, when the dinner doesn't need to be serviced, just listened for. The point is, we love playing with our daughter, we had her so that we could interact with her. Sometimes we don't feel like it, or have something going on, and have to tell her no, but we always respond to it, and make her a return offer of a different time to play. I enjoy playing video games quite a bit, but I don't want to totally lose out on time with her either. Long story short, my daughter is an expert dragon/zombie/goblin/bad guy finder.
7.) NO. This one kinda speaks for itself doesn't it moms and dads? "Punkin, can you eat your dinner please? Then we can have dessert." "No." Even when not yelled, this word is one of the most irritating words I know... and the worst part about it is that I know I helped create it. We've always been pretty open about letting our daughter make choices for herself, so she knew how to make up her mind and think for herself. But that does open up the door for her to apply those rules to ANYTHING SHE IS ASKED! So then, especially in relation to dinner time, it turns into an explanation of why I don't want her to be hungry, or more often than not, the benefit to her for eating some more. I've learned the hard way about making her eat too much, so I won't push her to eat everything on her plate, because she hasn't learned to give us a rating of how hungry she is. So she could very well be full. But I'm no idiot, I know she has room in her stomach for more than just two bites of chicken... haha.
Well this is my list everybody. Just a short one. Believe me, I have way more peeves than this, but these are probably my top peeves. I am not just encouraging you to share on this one, I would actually like to ASK you to share on this one. I think this could be a pretty fun little experiment to see where everyone's peeves collide, so let's see it.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
The HUSBAND Job Description
Ok, I think today I'm going to do a little off-shoot of yesterday's post, and touch on something I haven't quite hit yet. This blog is definitely about being a daddy a lot of the time. But it's main purpose was to be about family as well.
I am of course, a daddy. But I'm also a husband. And I have to say that it's definitely tied with fatherhood as the best job in the world. But I can say from experience, it's definitely NOT the easiest. As a father, for at least the first few years, your biggest purposes are to teach, guide, nurture and protect your child. The requirements are a little different for your spouse. You're not dealing with a child, you're dealing with another adult, with an already developed mind, and sense of self. They're not in the relationship to be shaped or molded. And when you throw a child into it, they're also your teammate.
Let me first say, that I love my wife more than I could ever love another woman. We have had our fights, our disagreements, and our meltdowns, but through it all, I know that she loves me in return. That is the key to any marriage; loving each other. We don't live in a society that deals in arranged marriages anymore, not exclusively anyway. Therefore, you marry someone you're in love with. That's the important part. I am of the mindset that as long as you love your spouse, you can overcome whatever gets in the way of the mundane aspects of a marriage.
But what else is involved in being a good husband? What is your part? Well, men and women are drastically different creatures, so I don't know if there is a general formula that applies to the question. But here are some things I have learned in my 3 and a half years of marriage. Please note: These are not all things that I excel at by any means!! I am quite sure that I am far from the perfect husband, but I still know a few things that are important in making another person happy. These are not in any specific order, as they're all equally important.
1.) Support her. Plain and simple, it speaks for itself. As a headstrong, opinionated fellow, I have had problems with this one more than I'd care to admit. Sometimes you just don't agree with your wife's choices, it's inevitable. But either way, sometimes you just have to go with the flow, because she's entitled to live her life just as you are, and she's definitely supported you on something she wasn't thrilled about.
2.) Listen to her. Your wife has a voice, just like you do. More often than not, in my marriage, my wife is the voice of reason when my impetuous, STUPID side takes over and I'm about to do or say something stupid. In addition to having a voice, she also has an opinion, and it's worth half of the decision. That opinion could save you money, or it could just save your evening, or maybe your life. You don't know until you listen to it.
3.) Respect her. She's a human being, and unless you're living in the stone age, she's your equal. Get used to that concept. Sometimes we as men can do things that are (to her) clearly NOT respectful. Do your best to see those things BEFORE you commit the act. We've all slipped, and more than likely, we've all been forgiven for those slips, just try not to repeat them too many times.
4.) SHUT UP! Yes, that's right, just shut up. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is close your mouth and refer to item # 1. You may have the greatest idea in history, but at this very moment, it doesn't mean anything, and it won't help. Just let her talk, or rant, or yell, or cry, or whatever she has to do... just let her get it out. At this point, your mouth needs to take a break, and give your shoulder a turn. This has probably been one of my biggest shortcomings. In trying to help, my mouth gets going, and by the end of my thought, I've made the situation worse than it was before. My advice: SHUT. UP.
5.) Help her. With anything. With the things she asks for help with, and with the things she doesn't. Don't always make her ask for help. There are times where I feel pretty dumb at home. My wife stays home all day, and cleans the house, does the dishes, the laundry, and wrangles our daughter. I go to work. Sometimes when I get home, I'm not feeling in the mood to fold laundry. Ultimately, I need to do it anyway. Do I always? No. The point: Just help her, and do your best to do it before she has to ask you.
6.) Apologize to her. Now guys, this is for you: DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A CURE-ALL FOR YOUR STUPIDITY. We will always make mistakes, some more drastic than others, but either way, when we do it is our responsibility as humans to sincerely apologize for those mistakes. Don't grumble "Sorry..." as you're walking away, because every time you do that, it whittles away at the worth of your future apologies. Say it for the things that honestly deserve an apology (which in my case is far from zero).
7.) Take her side. This is pretty easy guys. She's your teammate, your ally, your sidekick and your number one fan. Give her the same courtesy. Doesn't matter who it's against, you're always on her side, like she's always on yours.
8.) Last, but certainly not least... Love her. No matter what. She will probably say something rude to you, maybe even hurtful. She might bleach your favorite pair of jeans by accident. She might drag you to the most girly store in the mall. She might buy the most horrid flower-print comforter to put on your bed. But fellas: Love her anyway. Because she does the same for you. I can honestly say that this is probably the only point on this small list that I haven't completely blown. My wife and I have been through some hard times together, and we've had our fair share of some really bad fights. But no matter what we fight about, or what she says to me, I will always love her, and I always have.
Fellas, we aren't perfect. We could never hope to be. In many cases, we are miles below the leagues of our wives, and even if you aren't, think that way anyway, and let her know it. Our wives help and love is in more ways than we could possibly imagine, and we need to do our best to repay them for that. This may not be a big list, but these are definitely the things I view as the most important, and definitely the ones that are the hardest to maintain sometimes. Take them and use them guys, you won't be sorry. See you next time!
I am of course, a daddy. But I'm also a husband. And I have to say that it's definitely tied with fatherhood as the best job in the world. But I can say from experience, it's definitely NOT the easiest. As a father, for at least the first few years, your biggest purposes are to teach, guide, nurture and protect your child. The requirements are a little different for your spouse. You're not dealing with a child, you're dealing with another adult, with an already developed mind, and sense of self. They're not in the relationship to be shaped or molded. And when you throw a child into it, they're also your teammate.
Let me first say, that I love my wife more than I could ever love another woman. We have had our fights, our disagreements, and our meltdowns, but through it all, I know that she loves me in return. That is the key to any marriage; loving each other. We don't live in a society that deals in arranged marriages anymore, not exclusively anyway. Therefore, you marry someone you're in love with. That's the important part. I am of the mindset that as long as you love your spouse, you can overcome whatever gets in the way of the mundane aspects of a marriage.
But what else is involved in being a good husband? What is your part? Well, men and women are drastically different creatures, so I don't know if there is a general formula that applies to the question. But here are some things I have learned in my 3 and a half years of marriage. Please note: These are not all things that I excel at by any means!! I am quite sure that I am far from the perfect husband, but I still know a few things that are important in making another person happy. These are not in any specific order, as they're all equally important.
1.) Support her. Plain and simple, it speaks for itself. As a headstrong, opinionated fellow, I have had problems with this one more than I'd care to admit. Sometimes you just don't agree with your wife's choices, it's inevitable. But either way, sometimes you just have to go with the flow, because she's entitled to live her life just as you are, and she's definitely supported you on something she wasn't thrilled about.
2.) Listen to her. Your wife has a voice, just like you do. More often than not, in my marriage, my wife is the voice of reason when my impetuous, STUPID side takes over and I'm about to do or say something stupid. In addition to having a voice, she also has an opinion, and it's worth half of the decision. That opinion could save you money, or it could just save your evening, or maybe your life. You don't know until you listen to it.
3.) Respect her. She's a human being, and unless you're living in the stone age, she's your equal. Get used to that concept. Sometimes we as men can do things that are (to her) clearly NOT respectful. Do your best to see those things BEFORE you commit the act. We've all slipped, and more than likely, we've all been forgiven for those slips, just try not to repeat them too many times.
4.) SHUT UP! Yes, that's right, just shut up. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is close your mouth and refer to item # 1. You may have the greatest idea in history, but at this very moment, it doesn't mean anything, and it won't help. Just let her talk, or rant, or yell, or cry, or whatever she has to do... just let her get it out. At this point, your mouth needs to take a break, and give your shoulder a turn. This has probably been one of my biggest shortcomings. In trying to help, my mouth gets going, and by the end of my thought, I've made the situation worse than it was before. My advice: SHUT. UP.
5.) Help her. With anything. With the things she asks for help with, and with the things she doesn't. Don't always make her ask for help. There are times where I feel pretty dumb at home. My wife stays home all day, and cleans the house, does the dishes, the laundry, and wrangles our daughter. I go to work. Sometimes when I get home, I'm not feeling in the mood to fold laundry. Ultimately, I need to do it anyway. Do I always? No. The point: Just help her, and do your best to do it before she has to ask you.
6.) Apologize to her. Now guys, this is for you: DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A CURE-ALL FOR YOUR STUPIDITY. We will always make mistakes, some more drastic than others, but either way, when we do it is our responsibility as humans to sincerely apologize for those mistakes. Don't grumble "Sorry..." as you're walking away, because every time you do that, it whittles away at the worth of your future apologies. Say it for the things that honestly deserve an apology (which in my case is far from zero).
7.) Take her side. This is pretty easy guys. She's your teammate, your ally, your sidekick and your number one fan. Give her the same courtesy. Doesn't matter who it's against, you're always on her side, like she's always on yours.
8.) Last, but certainly not least... Love her. No matter what. She will probably say something rude to you, maybe even hurtful. She might bleach your favorite pair of jeans by accident. She might drag you to the most girly store in the mall. She might buy the most horrid flower-print comforter to put on your bed. But fellas: Love her anyway. Because she does the same for you. I can honestly say that this is probably the only point on this small list that I haven't completely blown. My wife and I have been through some hard times together, and we've had our fair share of some really bad fights. But no matter what we fight about, or what she says to me, I will always love her, and I always have.
Fellas, we aren't perfect. We could never hope to be. In many cases, we are miles below the leagues of our wives, and even if you aren't, think that way anyway, and let her know it. Our wives help and love is in more ways than we could possibly imagine, and we need to do our best to repay them for that. This may not be a big list, but these are definitely the things I view as the most important, and definitely the ones that are the hardest to maintain sometimes. Take them and use them guys, you won't be sorry. See you next time!
Monday, January 30, 2012
The Parental Job Description
Today's post is actually inspired by a question I found today on Facebook. It was posted by the Facebook page, Great Parenting Practices. Please follow the link to check out this page, as they post some of the most interesting, helpful and insightful things I've found on the web. Anyway, the question that was asked was this:
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Friday, January 27, 2012
Sorry... No Refunds.
Ok, well, I've decided that as a little precursor to what is hopefully a good weekend for all of you, I'd leave you with a little pearl about something that I feel pretty strongly about.
To preface the possible debate that may come from this post, I'll fill you in a little on my and my wife's background with our daughter. We were engaged when we decided to have children, my wife was 5 months pregnant at our wedding. Obviously there were some naysayers in the bunch, but that's not the point of this topic. The point of this topic is the CHOICE. My wife and I DECIDED to have children.
That being said, here's my point, and please feel free to share on this. I have seen more than a few people (be it from a distance, or through channels), who have become pregnant by accident. Well, it's 2012, it's bound to happen. 15 and 16 year old girls and boys are bound to get too curious for their own goods, and that's just what happens. I'd like to omit these teenage cases from this immediate discussion, the innumerable debatable "situations" are just ridiculous, and the arguments never end...
Anyway, back on track here. People get pregnant by "accident", and I completely understand that. People will make their own choices, and they will be landed with the "consequences". Therein lies my discomfort for this whole thing. Whether or not the child was conceived by accident, or on purpose, I don't like that these children become viewed as the consequences. To me, the word consequence is almost synonymous with punishment. This is how I see a lot of people who end up with accidental pregnancies responding. This disappoints me to no end. While I realize that these people, be they 19 year old party animals with aspirations of being the manager at their local McDonald's, or 20-something college students with their eye on a doctorate in Astrophysics, did not ASK for children, they were still given a gift. And not the same kind of gift as the cheap, ugly reindeer sweater their grandmother gave them at Christmas last year. It's nonreturnable, and it's the gift that will keep giving as long as you nurture it.
I guess the basic point of this discussion is that children are not burdens, punishments, mishaps, or the end of a person's life. I absolutely HATE hearing about couples, or two individuals brought together by the pregnancy, where one, or even both of the parents, don't appreciate the gift, and want nothing to do with it. In worse cases, one parent, typically the mother, is excited, and is welcoming the challenge and the joy equally, while the father insists that he didn't ask for it, and therefore he doesn't want it. This attitude leaves the mother in a horrible, stressful situation. In turn, after the pregnancy, if he continues with this attitude, we have yet another child who is growing up without their father. As a father myself, it breaks my heart to think of my daughter not having me there to lift her up when she's too short, read her a story at night, take her back to bed when she wakes up scared... all the little things these ungrateful individuals have no comprehension of.
In short, they don't know what they're missing. I'll leave you all with that thought. I hope that any of you reading this who know somebody like this, will share this with them. Let them read it. Appreciate the gift you were given when your child comes into this world...
To preface the possible debate that may come from this post, I'll fill you in a little on my and my wife's background with our daughter. We were engaged when we decided to have children, my wife was 5 months pregnant at our wedding. Obviously there were some naysayers in the bunch, but that's not the point of this topic. The point of this topic is the CHOICE. My wife and I DECIDED to have children.
That being said, here's my point, and please feel free to share on this. I have seen more than a few people (be it from a distance, or through channels), who have become pregnant by accident. Well, it's 2012, it's bound to happen. 15 and 16 year old girls and boys are bound to get too curious for their own goods, and that's just what happens. I'd like to omit these teenage cases from this immediate discussion, the innumerable debatable "situations" are just ridiculous, and the arguments never end...
Anyway, back on track here. People get pregnant by "accident", and I completely understand that. People will make their own choices, and they will be landed with the "consequences". Therein lies my discomfort for this whole thing. Whether or not the child was conceived by accident, or on purpose, I don't like that these children become viewed as the consequences. To me, the word consequence is almost synonymous with punishment. This is how I see a lot of people who end up with accidental pregnancies responding. This disappoints me to no end. While I realize that these people, be they 19 year old party animals with aspirations of being the manager at their local McDonald's, or 20-something college students with their eye on a doctorate in Astrophysics, did not ASK for children, they were still given a gift. And not the same kind of gift as the cheap, ugly reindeer sweater their grandmother gave them at Christmas last year. It's nonreturnable, and it's the gift that will keep giving as long as you nurture it.
I guess the basic point of this discussion is that children are not burdens, punishments, mishaps, or the end of a person's life. I absolutely HATE hearing about couples, or two individuals brought together by the pregnancy, where one, or even both of the parents, don't appreciate the gift, and want nothing to do with it. In worse cases, one parent, typically the mother, is excited, and is welcoming the challenge and the joy equally, while the father insists that he didn't ask for it, and therefore he doesn't want it. This attitude leaves the mother in a horrible, stressful situation. In turn, after the pregnancy, if he continues with this attitude, we have yet another child who is growing up without their father. As a father myself, it breaks my heart to think of my daughter not having me there to lift her up when she's too short, read her a story at night, take her back to bed when she wakes up scared... all the little things these ungrateful individuals have no comprehension of.
In short, they don't know what they're missing. I'll leave you all with that thought. I hope that any of you reading this who know somebody like this, will share this with them. Let them read it. Appreciate the gift you were given when your child comes into this world...
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
More Than Meets The Eye
Alright, now that introductions are over, let's get this show on the road! I'm going to start this off with something that I find exceptionally important.
As a parent, you want your kid to feel good about themselves. In every possible way right? Every parent sees their child as the most beautiful thing they've ever seen, from the moment they're born. But is it possible that the parents get stuck in that mindset and then never get out of it? As parents, we will always feel that our daughter is beautiful. And we tell her quite often that she's "Soooo pretty". But for every time we say that to her, we can find three things that day that she's done that make us say, "You're so smart!" Of course I want my daughter to be comfortable with her appearance, and even to think that she's beautiful, because that's important. My big hope is that she can do that without RELYING on her looks to get her through life. I want my daughter to have some real substance to her, and have a personality that shines more brightly than any amount of makeup could ever hope to. I want her to get through life by her actions, her morals and her knowledge, not because she was "Too pretty to work".
I get very irritated by this subject when I pop onto Yahoo or some other news site, and see whatever Kardashian brat is currently being praised for her latest hairstyle change, or which star of Toddlers & Tiara's is being featured in an outfit that would be too skimpy for a grown woman. It scares me to see a person's image and appearance become so tightly connected to their level of success. I really get the feeling that our little girls are being taught that as long as your pretty, you're set. I want more than that for my little girl, and I would hope you all do as well. This reliance on physical appearance ONLY is all part of a vicious cycle that contains other topics like self respect vs. arrogance, a sense of entitlement vs. appreciation for what she's given, etc... the list goes on and on. I honestly hope she has a strong sense of self esteem about her appearance too, because both her mother and I had issues with that as children, and we still find ourselves a bit hindered by those issues today.
To put all this together into something tangible, I'll give you our generic perspective on the subject. We always make sure that our daughter is receiving equal amounts of praise for doing something smart, or helpful, or creative, as she is for being a cutey-patooty, haha. When she comes and grabs my glass after I'm finished drinking something, and just takes it to the sink all on her own, she gets a big thank you, and then we say something like, "Oh, thank you baby, that was very nice of you, you're so smart!" To me, it helps her to attribute coming up with the thought on her own, and being kind or helpful, with intelligence. Package deal, gotta love it. The key that we have found to be super successful, is telling her she's smart, by telling her that what she did was smart. "Did you put those dishes in the sink all by yourself?? You're so smart". Then she knows what she did, how we perceived it, and that we perceived it in a positive way. The goal is that she'll receive tons of praise for doing things we see as intelligent, and so she'll spend more time trying to do those things. At three years old, grabbing dishes by herself is a pretty big accomplishment. As time goes on the things she will do will get more elaborate, and she'll get a better, more mature grasp on what we mean by "smart", and hopefully she'll spend more time focusing on being known for her achievements. Considering how proud I am of who she is as a THREE YEAR OLD, I can't wait to see who she becomes in the years to follow and I can't wait to see the things she accomplishes in her life.
Ultimately, my direct advice to you: Love your kids, and tell them you do. Respect your kids, and show them you do. Listen to your kids, because when you give them the chance to do something good, they'll keep trying until they do it. Emphasize to your children the importance of being more than just a work of beauty, and that it is their achievements, ideals, and decisions that carry them through life.
Well then, I think that about does it for today, I hope you enjoyed this post, and I hope you were able to get something out of it. Until next time!
As a parent, you want your kid to feel good about themselves. In every possible way right? Every parent sees their child as the most beautiful thing they've ever seen, from the moment they're born. But is it possible that the parents get stuck in that mindset and then never get out of it? As parents, we will always feel that our daughter is beautiful. And we tell her quite often that she's "Soooo pretty". But for every time we say that to her, we can find three things that day that she's done that make us say, "You're so smart!" Of course I want my daughter to be comfortable with her appearance, and even to think that she's beautiful, because that's important. My big hope is that she can do that without RELYING on her looks to get her through life. I want my daughter to have some real substance to her, and have a personality that shines more brightly than any amount of makeup could ever hope to. I want her to get through life by her actions, her morals and her knowledge, not because she was "Too pretty to work".
I get very irritated by this subject when I pop onto Yahoo or some other news site, and see whatever Kardashian brat is currently being praised for her latest hairstyle change, or which star of Toddlers & Tiara's is being featured in an outfit that would be too skimpy for a grown woman. It scares me to see a person's image and appearance become so tightly connected to their level of success. I really get the feeling that our little girls are being taught that as long as your pretty, you're set. I want more than that for my little girl, and I would hope you all do as well. This reliance on physical appearance ONLY is all part of a vicious cycle that contains other topics like self respect vs. arrogance, a sense of entitlement vs. appreciation for what she's given, etc... the list goes on and on. I honestly hope she has a strong sense of self esteem about her appearance too, because both her mother and I had issues with that as children, and we still find ourselves a bit hindered by those issues today.
To put all this together into something tangible, I'll give you our generic perspective on the subject. We always make sure that our daughter is receiving equal amounts of praise for doing something smart, or helpful, or creative, as she is for being a cutey-patooty, haha. When she comes and grabs my glass after I'm finished drinking something, and just takes it to the sink all on her own, she gets a big thank you, and then we say something like, "Oh, thank you baby, that was very nice of you, you're so smart!" To me, it helps her to attribute coming up with the thought on her own, and being kind or helpful, with intelligence. Package deal, gotta love it. The key that we have found to be super successful, is telling her she's smart, by telling her that what she did was smart. "Did you put those dishes in the sink all by yourself?? You're so smart". Then she knows what she did, how we perceived it, and that we perceived it in a positive way. The goal is that she'll receive tons of praise for doing things we see as intelligent, and so she'll spend more time trying to do those things. At three years old, grabbing dishes by herself is a pretty big accomplishment. As time goes on the things she will do will get more elaborate, and she'll get a better, more mature grasp on what we mean by "smart", and hopefully she'll spend more time focusing on being known for her achievements. Considering how proud I am of who she is as a THREE YEAR OLD, I can't wait to see who she becomes in the years to follow and I can't wait to see the things she accomplishes in her life.
Ultimately, my direct advice to you: Love your kids, and tell them you do. Respect your kids, and show them you do. Listen to your kids, because when you give them the chance to do something good, they'll keep trying until they do it. Emphasize to your children the importance of being more than just a work of beauty, and that it is their achievements, ideals, and decisions that carry them through life.
Well then, I think that about does it for today, I hope you enjoyed this post, and I hope you were able to get something out of it. Until next time!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
New Beginnings... Allow me to introduce... ME!
Well, with 2012 in what you could call "Full Swing", I think it's time to start living up to the resolutions I've put upon myself. 2011 was not the best year for us as a family, though we did have some very high points as well. With everything that happened, I had to take a long hard look at the negative things that happened to us, as well as the positive things that happened to us. The point of life is to learn, to evolve and to implement changes that will improve the quality of life for yourself, and for those around you, and hopefully, for the world around you. The changes all start with oneself though, no matter what.
And now for the relevant part of this post, haha. 2011 hit us pretty hard in a lot of ways. Heather was laid off from the job we both worked at, which took our income to half of what it was. We then, in turn, had to move from the house we really loved, into a smaller place. That whole series of events pretty much set into motion wave after wave of further difficulties. Long story short, it was not a good year. Hard times like that are often a crossroads for a lot of people, and so it was for us. I took a good look at the way I was living my life, and where my priorities were, and where they NEEDED to be. For years, I had been chasing what I can only describe as "immortality", by playing in bands, making music, and basically seeking renown from an entire subculture of people in hopes of making an impact on the world. Well, needless to say, "immortality" doesn't come cheap or easy, and certainly not without a price. Well, I kept paying the price to achieve it, without getting anything back for it. At this point is where I ultimately had a quite sudden, profound epiphany about where my energy was being spent. After witnessing two separate funerals, and seeing how each of the families responded to the loss of their loved ones, I realized what I had to do, and what I had to change.
Life is very short. Depressingly short. Most of us don't get the chance to impact the lives of very many people. But there are still those very FEW people that we do. My two crowning achievements in life have been marrying my wife, and having our daughter. That being said, at a bare minimum, there are two peoples' lives I'm being given the chance to touch. My wife is my partner, my best friend, my unconditional supporter, and the ONE person who has stuck by me through all my struggles. My daughter is an amazing little girl, who's growing up faster than I'd care to admit. It scares the crap out of me sometimes. There are so many influences that affect a child. The things I teach my daughter now, and the things I share with her, are going to be the things she teaches someone else, and shares with them. Do I want that to be hatred, or anger, or contempt, or wickedness? Absolutely not. I want her to be a woman of peace, who cares for those who need it, who respects herself and everyone else. And that is where new beginnings are born; when the need for change is found, and then implemented.
Therefore, this blog isn't going to be a tutorial, or a sermon, or a lecture. It's going to be more of a documentary of my personal journey. Just an account of my life, my perspectives, the things I learn from my experiences, and the lessons, values and morals I'll be teaching my daughter, and maybe some other people hopefully. I am not limiting this blog to any particular subject matter, it's all going to be based off my experiences, so that could include absolutely anything I come into contact with or see or hear. This first post is more of a detailed summary of the how's, why's and what's. I hope you enjoy the coming posts, and I hope you can learn a little from them, and be able to benefit from the things that have helped me make positive changes in my life. Be sure to "Check The Male" next time, for some (hopefully) enlightening male perspectives.
And now for the relevant part of this post, haha. 2011 hit us pretty hard in a lot of ways. Heather was laid off from the job we both worked at, which took our income to half of what it was. We then, in turn, had to move from the house we really loved, into a smaller place. That whole series of events pretty much set into motion wave after wave of further difficulties. Long story short, it was not a good year. Hard times like that are often a crossroads for a lot of people, and so it was for us. I took a good look at the way I was living my life, and where my priorities were, and where they NEEDED to be. For years, I had been chasing what I can only describe as "immortality", by playing in bands, making music, and basically seeking renown from an entire subculture of people in hopes of making an impact on the world. Well, needless to say, "immortality" doesn't come cheap or easy, and certainly not without a price. Well, I kept paying the price to achieve it, without getting anything back for it. At this point is where I ultimately had a quite sudden, profound epiphany about where my energy was being spent. After witnessing two separate funerals, and seeing how each of the families responded to the loss of their loved ones, I realized what I had to do, and what I had to change.
Life is very short. Depressingly short. Most of us don't get the chance to impact the lives of very many people. But there are still those very FEW people that we do. My two crowning achievements in life have been marrying my wife, and having our daughter. That being said, at a bare minimum, there are two peoples' lives I'm being given the chance to touch. My wife is my partner, my best friend, my unconditional supporter, and the ONE person who has stuck by me through all my struggles. My daughter is an amazing little girl, who's growing up faster than I'd care to admit. It scares the crap out of me sometimes. There are so many influences that affect a child. The things I teach my daughter now, and the things I share with her, are going to be the things she teaches someone else, and shares with them. Do I want that to be hatred, or anger, or contempt, or wickedness? Absolutely not. I want her to be a woman of peace, who cares for those who need it, who respects herself and everyone else. And that is where new beginnings are born; when the need for change is found, and then implemented.
Therefore, this blog isn't going to be a tutorial, or a sermon, or a lecture. It's going to be more of a documentary of my personal journey. Just an account of my life, my perspectives, the things I learn from my experiences, and the lessons, values and morals I'll be teaching my daughter, and maybe some other people hopefully. I am not limiting this blog to any particular subject matter, it's all going to be based off my experiences, so that could include absolutely anything I come into contact with or see or hear. This first post is more of a detailed summary of the how's, why's and what's. I hope you enjoy the coming posts, and I hope you can learn a little from them, and be able to benefit from the things that have helped me make positive changes in my life. Be sure to "Check The Male" next time, for some (hopefully) enlightening male perspectives.
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