Due Process

Okeedokee everybody, get out your torches and pitchforks, cuz this one's gonna be a doozy. Today, I'm going to offer my personal perspective on... drum roll please...

DISCIPLINE!!!

Yes folks, you read that right, I'll be throwing myself into the line of fire on this one and giving my perspective on one of the most heavily debated subjects of parenting. 

So, first of all, this one might take some involvement on your part. Nothing public, just for your own use. So the first thing I want you to do is ask yourself a question. "Were my parents "good" parents?" Pretty simple yes or no question. When you have your answer, ask yourself the following question: "Why?"

Some common answers would probably be: They loved me more than themselves, they always provided for me, they set good examples for me, etc... could be anything. There are no wrong answers (with a possible exception being, "my mom's hair was always perfect"). Just keep those ideas in mind for this topic.

The common theme with a lot of sites I frequent is that spanking or physically disciplining your children is utterly wrong, and under any and all circumstances, makes you a bad parent. They make no bones about it. So let's go ahead and start there, might as well kick this party off with a bang. 

I was spanked as a child. Note: I said spanked, not BEATEN. If I did something severely or deliberately disrespectful or defiant, I got in trouble for it. Sometimes that could be solved with an apology, and other times it could not. Now, I wasn't a terror when I was a child, so this didn't happen all that often. I could probably count the number of spankings I received on my fingers, without repeating. Not too bad considering how long I lived with my folks. Wondering how I answered the opening question? Here goes. Yes, my parents were awesome. Not because they coddled me and because I always got everything I wanted. Because they focused on teaching me the value of appreciation for what you're given, loyalty to family, responsibility for myself and my actions, and because they never failed to show me how much they loved me, even when I was in trouble.

Many of the things I teach my daughter are things I was taught by my parents, and I'm proud to do it. Yes, I was spanked as a child. Personally, I consider myself about as well adjusted as any member of society out there today. The trials and struggles I face on a daily basis are no greater than anyone else's. I don't hate my father or mother for the discipline I received as a child, which was never more than a pop on the behind. I am grateful for it, and here's why.

The world is not a walk along a flower lined path, edged by bushes that grow gumdrops instead of berries. There is not candy cane bridge over a river of root beer. The real world will not allow you a simple apology for your mistakes. Your words and actions are offered to the world for acceptance, and no matter if they're good or bad, there WILL be a reaction to them. I understood that from a very young age. I learned to respect my parents, and to be respectful of other adults, and to take responsibility for my actions and mistakes.

So according to a fair number of people, my parents are still bad parents right? The ever present need for society and humanity to generalize things for the sake of ease has struck again. Instead of viewing every situation uniquely and fairly, they're simply saying words like "all" and "any". That's not fair to those of us who are perfectly well adjusted as adults, but were disciplined this way as children. It's not fair to tell a person who spanks their child that they don't love their children as much as someone who doesn't spank. Not fair at all.

Please understand this. I don't disagree with the parents who choose not to spank their kids. Quite the contrary, I very much admire the parents who don't, especially if that works when it comes to their child getting the message they're trying to convey. So what is our philosophy and opinion? Let me break it down for you.

Our daughter responds very well to reasoning, more often than not. If she's throwing a tantrum about something, because it's not going her way, we can sit her down, try and get her calmed down with a hug, and then ask her why she's upset. If she can't seem to calm down, she has a little harder time answering the question. But if she CAN answer the question, then we can start dissecting that problem with her, and usually reach some form of compromise or deal about it, to avoid conflict.

One situation we encounter is when she's asked to do something, and suddenly decides that she's grumpy, puts on her pouty face and shakes her head no. "Ok Punkin, it's time to get ready for bed, let's pick up your toys so we can get ready for bed." Commence head shaking. This would be one of those instances where telling us no is not ok. We asked nicely, and since she was playing with them, she needs to aid in the cleanup process. As above, we begin by calmly reasoning with her, and explaining that it's part of her responsibility to help clean up after she's done playing. About half the time, she understands that it's partly her job to help too. The other half isn't so sunny... haha. She will maintain her defiant stance, so then we have to explain to her that it's not nice to make a mess and not clean it up. I don't want her to think that she can go through life making a mess because Mommy and Daddy will just come through and clean it all up for her, that's how Kardashians are born. On occasion, this second round of reasoning will take, and she'll come over and help. But there are the rare instances where it simply doesn't take, and then she starts to get belligerent and rude and disrespectful. It wasn't allowed when I was a child, it's not allowed in the real world, and it's not allowed in our house. She's given yet another opportunity to explain herself, and to come and help, and if she still continues to act that way, it's a quick pop on the behind. This is not to be confused with a full-arm swing, it's from the wrist, and it suffices to get her attention. At this point, another round of attempted reasoning begins. Usually, she'll come around and she's given the opportunity to apologize, and make right the situation. When that is established, we then apologize to her for popping her on the behind, and she acknowledges that she forgives us. Does that mean I don't love my daughter? Absolutely not.

Many parents who swear totally against this kind of thing will interject and tell me that when she's crying and yelling irrationally, that she's just expressing her emotion in the only way she knows how, and that we need to be more understanding about it and that she's emotionally distressed, etc. I'm sorry guys, but I disagree. She was asked calmly and kindly to HELP pick up her toys, and refused. She was explained the importance of taking responsibility, calmly and kindly, and still refused. It was explained again, and she began her tirade. Three explanations is plenty, and there is no "emotional hardship" behind simply not wanting to pick up her toys, and contribute to the effort. Believe me, I know when she's struggling with something like that. If she got her feelings hurt because one of us was impatient with her (which everyone does at some point or other), then it's OUR job to apologize to her, and sit and reason with her about it, and that's where she can explain that Mommy or Daddy hurt her feelings. These are the points where she learns about forgiveness.

Let's also be clear about another thing. There is a very clear line between discipline and child abuse. Just two weekends ago, a car skidded to a halt outside our house, a man exited, moved to the passenger door, opened it, and began to repeatedly slap his 15 year old daughter in the face so hard that we could hear his hand making contact with her face... from the backyard. She was screaming. Excessive? Absolutely. The sheriff was called about it, it was that bad. I'm sure some of you who read this will argue that there is no line. You're entitled to your opinion, as am I. And if your methods of parenting work for you, then I wish your child a blessed journey to adulthood, and I hope that you get as much out of it as your children.

This is the point guys. Children MUST understand the concept of consequences for inappropriate actions. The world is not going to give them a million chances to say sorry for their mistakes. That's not the world we live in. Reading about riding a bike is simple enough, as is listening to an explanation of how to ride one. When you're on the bike, that information carries only so much weight now. Any parent with half a brain will ALWAYS choose a more peaceful resolution to inappropriate behavior. Who wouldn't want a peaceful resolution to every problem. Be open to suggestions from other parents,  you may not know they make a good point until you look at it with another pair of eyes.

There is nothing general or standard about a person's parenting style. It's a very dynamic, individual, unique experience to each family. I honestly pray that any who read this can understand that before they judge me.

See ya next time.